'Hello world…how you been? Good to see you my old friend. Sometimes I feel, cold as steel – broken like I'm never going to heal…' Lady Antebellum

The past 2 days have been hellish. I have done nothing but turn inwards and cried myself stupid. My eyelids were so puffy this morning that they were almost swollen shut. Then I fell apart again this afternoon on the phone with my husband…I ruined his lunch. 🙁 He says I didn't, but I still feel guilty for it.

There's one of the biggest issues; guilt. I feel guilt constantly. I'm mired in it, stuck in it like a tar pit, sucking at me like quicksand. It makes me panicky, makes me want to go ahead and lie down in it, give in.

Years ago, and still to this day, my father has pointedly told me how lucky I am to have a man like my husband, because "no one else would be able to deal with you the way he does". That has haunted me in my dreams almost every night. Earlier this week, my Mom – she made almost the same statement. "You're so lucky to have Aaron, he's a gem. Nobody else has the patience to deal with you like he does…"

Ouch. More than ouch. More like I want to curl up and die from those words coming from the 2 people in the world that are supposed to love me like no one else; my parents. Yet they cannot accept me now; I am not the straight A honor student, best violinist in the orchestra, the go-getter that could accomplish anything. I am someone else; a poor excuse and ghost of the young woman they raised. They cannot accept this new person, this different person…they cannot see what has changed me so drastically. Even my own mother, whom I lived with during my psychosis in pregnancy and the final eruption of full-blown bipolar, cannot fathom why I cannot go back to who I was. I'm a disgrace, a shame, something to hide. To her I am no longer Keya – I am something and someone else altogether. I am alien, I am unlovable.

I feel like I have been betrayed beyond all imagination – and I am so hurt so deeply that I don't know that I'll ever recover from this. Nor am I sure I want to…how could I desire to be close to someone who could say such things to me? She reaffirms it every time she talks to me, in the way she disapprovingly looks at me, the way she speaks to me (if she even acknowledges my presence), the way she averts her gaze when I'm sad or in distress. She distances herself…now it's time for ME to distance myself. It's necessary for my self-preservation, or else I will do something drastic.

I feel so broken. I feel like I'm losing everyone that ever mattered in my life except for my husband, my son, and my friends here. Nobody else cares. Nobody else calls. Should I care anymore?