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'Hello world…how you been? Good to see you my old friend. Sometimes I feel, cold as steel – broken like I'm never going to heal…' Lady Antebellum

The past 2 days have been hellish. I have done nothing but turn inwards and cried myself stupid. My eyelids were so puffy this morning that they were almost swollen shut. Then I fell apart again this afternoon on the phone with my husband…I ruined his lunch. 🙁 He says I didn't, but I still feel guilty for it.

There's one of the biggest issues; guilt. I feel guilt constantly. I'm mired in it, stuck in it like a tar pit, sucking at me like quicksand. It makes me panicky, makes me want to go ahead and lie down in it, give in.

Years ago, and still to this day, my father has pointedly told me how lucky I am to have a man like my husband, because "no one else would be able to deal with you the way he does". That has haunted me in my dreams almost every night. Earlier this week, my Mom – she made almost the same statement. "You're so lucky to have Aaron, he's a gem. Nobody else has the patience to deal with you like he does…"

Ouch. More than ouch. More like I want to curl up and die from those words coming from the 2 people in the world that are supposed to love me like no one else; my parents. Yet they cannot accept me now; I am not the straight A honor student, best violinist in the orchestra, the go-getter that could accomplish anything. I am someone else; a poor excuse and ghost of the young woman they raised. They cannot accept this new person, this different person…they cannot see what has changed me so drastically. Even my own mother, whom I lived with during my psychosis in pregnancy and the final eruption of full-blown bipolar, cannot fathom why I cannot go back to who I was. I'm a disgrace, a shame, something to hide. To her I am no longer Keya – I am something and someone else altogether. I am alien, I am unlovable.

I feel like I have been betrayed beyond all imagination – and I am so hurt so deeply that I don't know that I'll ever recover from this. Nor am I sure I want to…how could I desire to be close to someone who could say such things to me? She reaffirms it every time she talks to me, in the way she disapprovingly looks at me, the way she speaks to me (if she even acknowledges my presence), the way she averts her gaze when I'm sad or in distress. She distances herself…now it's time for ME to distance myself. It's necessary for my self-preservation, or else I will do something drastic.

I feel so broken. I feel like I'm losing everyone that ever mattered in my life except for my husband, my son, and my friends here. Nobody else cares. Nobody else calls. Should I care anymore?

4 Comments
  1. MoonWolfEagle 7 years ago

    the most usless emotions are guilt shame and remose guilt and shame head the bunch i love you but you gotta hear what i am saying toots screw guilt and shake hands with shame and tell him to not come back again and if and when he does say hi your not welcome here any more ok best i can say you know you already know love you to infininty and beyond

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  2. MoonWolfEagle 7 years ago

    i call! rotflmbo

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  3. elf 7 years ago

    Oh Sadviolinist!

    I started to cry as I read your blog. I am not the same person I once was. I was that overachiever as well. I was so independent. I could do anything. Now I cry before going to the store. I cry on the phone to my husband as well. I am so sorry that your parents cannot accept that you have changed; that you have an illness. That must be so very disappointing. I hurt for you that you do not get the support you need from them. It is so frustrating because if you were physically paralyzed they would not say those things and they would probably accept the changes in you.

    I wish you the strength to distance yourself from your mom. I know it will be hard. But if it helps preserve your well being, then so be it. Remind yourself you are not guilty of anything other than having a disease. You are fighting that disease, but it is still there. So there is no need for guilt, or shame. You are a valuable, wonderful human being. You are a wife and mother and teacher. You have worth. Even if only connected by the internet, you do have friends here. Cherish them and what they mean to you.

    Elf

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  4. Andie372 7 years ago

    I too cannot match my former self,  too many ups, too many downs, including ECT and hospitalizations. Failure is very painful and personal I can't get used to it..  Ancient Greeks believed that in Hades, you were only a shade of your former self. I feel like Im in Hades already.

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