I couldn't hold out any longer and I cut myself… actually, I was just "playing" with a sharp piece of a soda can and pressing it hard against my skin…. mostly I just have red marks all over me, but it did cut through my skin once…. and after that I purposely cut myself with it…. My friends are going to think I let them down by doing this… but really, I feel more like I let myself down…. I'm weak…. I tried to pretend I wasn't but I am…. Hopefully the med change will help me (I'm making an appt tomorrow) but until then, i'm just weak….. Funny, cuz one of my old teachers just sent me an email the other day commending me for being so strong… guess I proved him wrong…. Not that he knows and not that I could tell him anyway… I didn't do this to make a scene… I did it because it's the only way I know how to deal…. What's really wrong with it anyway? I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm just hurting myself and it doesn't hurt anyone else, they don't even have to know (the way it looks, I can tell people I fell in a briar patch… it looks the same)…. so if there's no permanent harm to myself and no harm at all to anyone else, then what is the big fucking deal? People engage in self-harm all the time that's FAR worse but socially acceptable…. like smoking, getting tattoos/piercings, engaging in dangerous activities (like sports, biking… stuff that leaves worse injuries than what I give myself), tanning even can be more harmful if done the way most people do without sunscreen. And yet we're the ones being outcasted for cutting ourselves when it's a temporary injury, far less than what life can deal you doing socially acceptable behaviors…. so maybe, as long as we don't go overboard with it, it's really not all that bad…? Just don't let society know… I think they are just scared of it because they don't understand it. I'm not really trying to advocate this self injury shit, but…. well…. I have a hard time seeing it as something as bad as what everyone else seems to make it. Especially when it can relieve my anxiety so well…. much faster than any other method I've tried.

So tell me, am I alone on this, or does it feel like maybe we've just got a way of dealing that scares other people too much, much like homosexuality scares the religious right even though it's not harming anyone…. it's just something they don't understand….
I've probably crossed some line here, but so what? I can't be alone on this!

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