Gonna try and get this out before i leave again…  i’ve been feeling so fed up with the inactivity of other people, i’ve started going out on my own.  Yeah, that can be a good thing–and it has it’s draw-backs, too.  i’m definitely learning more about humans and the lack of humanity, it seems, moreso than i realized.  But, i’ve also met some really sweet, caring people, too.  Yep, everything has it’s positives and negatives.  It’s all a matter of perspective.  Like most people who actually KNOW me, would probably say i’m acting a bit erratic or/and not being cautious.  Well, i guess i’d have to say they’re right to a degree—i’ve learned a bit more, so i’m trying not to repeat the same mistakes, again.  However, you can never truly be safe, can you?  Unexpected things happen every day.  We can’t prepare for everything that happens.  It’s just not realistic.  The best i can do is to prepare for the worst and continue hoping for the best outcomes…  *sigh  i’ve been thinking more about trying to actually locate my son.  i don’t know if i’ll even go as far as to contact him, since he has my number, when he’s ready to talk.  But, it’s hard not knowing where he’s located at, as well as being in the military.  i know how the military works, though, so i’m trying to just be patient–or as patient as i can be–and remain as focused as i can be, to work towards my own goals of processing things.  i may never understand what happened or why, but i have to keep trying to simply make some peace for myself, so i can do more than simply exist in this lifetime.  i need an ounce of peace to show itself to me.  i need to know i’m safe–or at least safer.  i need to know my boys are safe(r).  i need to see them, too, whenever possible.  i don’t think that’s too much to ask.  *sigh  Just gotta keep hoping, for now….Hoping for subtle changes, if nothing else.  Hoping for some semblance of answers.  Hoping to find another residence where i can start my real life and enjoy some of what’s left of it.  Is that all too much to hope for?  Is it too much to ask for?  Will it ever possibly even happen?  —i don’t know.  But, i have vowed to myself that i am gonna try.  i have to find some enjoyment and peace.

  1. samarkand 4 years ago

    Hi delane1

    You deserve some enjoyment and peace – we all do – so why does it always feel like we’re wishing for the impossible???

    I’m impressed that you’ve taken the (negative) inactivity of other people into your own hands and turned it into a (positive) opportunity to experience life. I imagine that you are going out by yourself rather than waiting to meet up with others?

    If going out/interacting with others alone is being erractic, then what is sitting at home alone because other people cancel or let you down = static. With the choice of these two I’d rather be erratic; my ever present depression does a fine job of keeping me static, thankyou very much . Inactivity is no friend to me. The less I do the more I worry until my over thinking literally cripples me.

    I generally try to make an effort to engage with the people I meet when I’m in town attending appointments, grocery shopping and visiting the library and post office for example. Living rural, I make a trip into town about once a fortnight on average. It takes so much energy just to get myself up, dressed presentably and actually into the world that it seems ridiculous to waste the opportunity to interact with the different (social) environment and people in it once I’ve dragged myself there. More often than not my attempts to make eye contact with and engage the people I meet results in nothing at all – there’s just no response other than a blank stare. Sometimes I get rejected and shut down from the get go. I have however had some rare moments of positive human connection with a stranger crossing my path (most recently in the supermarket aisle).

    It must be diificult not knowing where your son is. As far as I know, the military have rules when giving out information about personnel in active service so you may just have to wait for him to contact you. I certainly hope it is sooner rather than later. You are right in saying that processing and accepting whatever life throws at you as it lands on you is the best way to live. Expect the unexpected and adapt each and every day.

    I hope you find somewhere to set up a safe and comfortable home and remember that you deserve some peace.

    Take care, Samarkand.

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  2. Author
    delane1 4 years ago

    Thank you, so much, for your input, Samarkand. ***Hugs***
    i feel very much the same way about inactivity–i worry myself sick, too.
    Thank you for your support, too. It’s nice to know, at times, there is someone who really gets it and is around to lend a shoulder, from time to time.

    And, in reference to my post, i was actually “called out” at the meeting i attended the other night. Definitely caught me off-guard, but i know why the leader of the group did it… {i’d missed the last couple of weeks’ meetings, and was a bit reserved before the meeting even started, as well as my anxious foot-shaking.} He asked me two questions, which added to the moment, obviously: First, what kind of goals i’ve set for myself. And, secondly, what i’m actively doing to try and reach said goals. These aren’t really hard questions to answer, i know. But, in that particular moment, i couldn’t look anyone in the eye–just out the window, while i spoke–and basically shared like i do here. i managed to keep myself under control, until the meeting was over. *sigh Coulda been worse, i know.

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