i do not know why he is still with me
i don't contribute anything to our relationship. we live together, and because of my depression and anxiety, i just end up getting worried he's going to go sneak off with other girls (even though rationally i know it's not true, the fear is just there) and get mad at him for silly things "you never call me beautiful, i feel like i'm just here for you to use for sex" etc. recently i got mad at him because he quit chewing tobacco many many months ago, and his friend suggested the other week that herbal chew stuff to him. he's been doing great. and now he has this herbal chew stuff and i'm afraid he's going to get addicted to that motion again, that habit, thaat he's going to go through 4, 5 cans a week again, even though there isn't nicotine in it, he's going to be addicted. we won't have money to spare for it and he'll do it anyway.
of course, i confront him about it and he's upset, because once again i'm ragging on him and i can't help it. i worry. i worry about him, his wellbeing, about myself… it's just who i am. and i feel awful. i don't want to worry about this. i don't want to care about any of the things i saw. i keep saying i won't say anything to him about anything and then i just get upset and get bottled up and i can't help it.
he keeps getting upset because he thinks i get upset when he plays video games. i just get upset because he ignores me for hours and hours and hours while he plays. i don't mind that he's playing, it's just, it's not like i have anything to do while he's playing and if he doesn't talk to me i'm just… sitting here… bored, nothing to do, just waiting hfor him to get off so he'll cuddle and tlak and watch netflix with me.
i can't help it.
i wish i could.
i'm so scared he's going to leave me one of these days because i just blurt it out, i can't stop myself. i don't want to fight, or argue, it just comes out. i keep trying to tell him not to take it so seriously, that he just needs to hold me and say it's okay, but he gets angry back because, in a way, i suppose i'm using him as a punching bag for my feelings, and i shouldn't, and i know this, and god, oh god, i wish i could stop. i love this man so much. i want to marry him. i want to be with him forever. i love living with him. he's such an amazing person, and he makes me better. i love him i love him i love him i love him. i hate that i keep pushing him away without even trying. i don't want him to leave. oh god, i really don't want him to leave. he's so supportive of me and everything i do. he's always reassuring me that i can do this. he's always making sure that i'm staying okay, that i'm eating, he won't let us have a scale in the house (which i admire him for but it's making me crazy not knowing exactly how much i weight), he keeps saying he'll go with me anywhere in the world where i want to, so i can achieve my dreams. he is always telling me how he wants to be with me forever too, how he wants to raise a family with me. and i love him. and i'm scared.
i'm scared that he's going to change his mind. that all my energy will go into him and then he'll leave and i won't have anything left to continue. i'm scared that my children will be like me. i'm so scared they'll be like me. i don't want them to feel this way. i don't want them to sneak down to their dad's gun cabinets, pulling out each gun, putting each gun to their head, imaging the feeling of a bullet hitting their head, wondering if they should, angry at themselves for not having the guts to do it. i don't waant them to be the person who has to hid in the bathroom at school and call the suicide hotline because they want to jump out of the window so bad, that they did everything but jump.
and i'm scared he's going to be scared. that he's going to look at our children, and see this part of me, and think how big of a mistake he made, and hate himself for doing that to his children.
i don't know why he's still with me. god, i am grateful i am, and i hope he never leaves, but i don't know what keeping him with me, and i'm so scared whatever that may be will change and he'll go away. i love him so, so, so, much. i truly understand what it is to feel happy most of the time. to look at someone and be overwhelmed by warm feelings, and by thoughts of the future. at night, i dream of the future, of us, instead of dreading waking up and wanting to die. he's the best thing that ever happened to me, but i'll never be the best thing to ever happen to him.