I have my good days and bad. The bad days…or should I say nights, are becoming less and less.  I am going to my therapist. I have had my third session today to desensitize myself. It's so amazing on how that works.  Although sometimes at night, I still have a hard time sleeping, and the obsessive thoughts in my head. One in particular is pushing my boyfriend away.

I don't know why I push him away. He doesn't do anything wrong, and he strives so hard to understand my panic and anxiety.  He never went through what I have gone through, especially my three grandparents passing away and my biggest fear and panic that I have been dealing with is grieving.  Sometimes I wonder… should I be with him when I am going through this? Sometimes I don't feel like myself and sometimes I want to push him away and never talk to him again. But when I think about that, if I meet someone else down the road, I don't want to share this story all over again on what's been going on with me the passed 8 months. It's exhausting as it is talking with him about my issues and also to friends and family and even on here. I don't know what to do sometimes. I have a lot going for me. I took a lot of risks earlier this year. I am a full time student now and I am focusing on myself. When I am around my boyfriend, I feel great, loved, cared for. But when I am away from him, it makes me want to stay away.  I have had a couple of my single former co-workers telling me that they would love to have a date with me, and there's other people out there recently that have been wanting to get to know me and all that. ugh, it's hard. I think the most difficult age in life is the early 20's. I am 24 and I feel that my life has just started. I love being in a strong committed relationship and hope for it to keep growing and eventually get married, but when I see other opportunities out there…other paths to take, how do I know this is the right path for me?? 

i had a talk with my boyfriend the other night on what I should do, and he doesn't want to lose me. I know that he cares about me so much and I care about him as well. He's never done anything wrong and he's the most sweetest guy I've ever dated, and we've been seeing each other for three yeras… but how do you know? Am I meant to be with him? I always thought with the career that I am going to head into, I always thought that I'd be single and do my thing and focus only on me. And when I think about my boyfriend being here for me, it kinda makes me feel bad, but i have no idea why. I don't know why I have these thoughts about pushing him away. What is wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I on the wrong path? It bugs me.