Trigger Warning
We all have a dark side to ourselves, and the innermost dark parts of my mind are things I’m not proud of. A common one among a lot of people is suicide.
I’ve made stipulations about suicide. One being if I ever have such a problem with the world that I may hurt someone, that I’d be the one who left and I was going to be only one. Two I would have to be absolute in my decision and dying was more important to me then family.
If I decided to self terminate I know it would have a ripple effect on my family. My spouse would be guilt stricken and resentful, brother would most likely wonder maybe it he had reached out more, and my mother would likely try to find the cause of it with misplaced blame.
I’ve put a lot of thoughts into this starting in my mid twenties. Something that is considered so illogical that goes against self preservation and seems unfathomable to some. I’m fairly certain if the day were to come that the criteria were met, that I would be firm in my resolve.
I had a point in my life that I was very depressed for many years. I was in a very uncertain time with getting a health condition under control, being at a job I hated, and not understanding what I was. At my worst getting out of bed and going to work felt like a such a daunting task. So I would tell myself, just go to work and if it is that bad you can always come back. I took the bus, so there was hassle involved, so I would just stay at work
Countless times before bed I would look in the mirror and ask what ever powers that may be or the part of my mind that is keeping me alive “Just go to sleep and don’t wake up. Please just let me pass in my sleep”. I would then silently cry till I feel asleep only to eventually wake up disappointed and start the cycle again.
Even now, my life is better. I have a mortgage and insurance covers accidental death, so it is always on the back of my mind that dying would pay off the house.
**Suicide/Self-Harm Trigger Warning for this blog response**
I want to commend you on your bravery, deciding to post this blog for the public to read.
I firmly believe that many people out there on this site have felt the same or very similar way at some point in their lives. There are statistics out there that have brought to public awareness that a large portion of the population has contemplated suicide at least once at some point in their lives. Most people know someone that has either attempted or completed it as well. I’m no exception. I’ve witnessed the aftermath of suicide and it’s lingering effect on survivors.
Suicide needs to be talked about by the public. **NOTE: Those that are triggered by the topic should use caution of course and preferably be in the presence of trusted individuals or a qualified professional and safe environment before talking about it, if not directly in crisis.** Not talking about it keeps the public in the dark about how to prevent it and help those in crisis. Not talking about it also prevents people from getting the help they need if they find themselves in a dangerous and dark place themselves. Not talking about it implies that it is shameful and that creates a stigma. That stigma harms people.
As a result, so many people that would otherwise reach out are too embarrassed to do so, before it’s too late. Many survivors end up feeling guilt that they didn’t recognize the signs or know how to help, as a result also. Talking about it has been expressed by many mental health professionals as a way to possibly prevent it from happening. Directly asking someone if they are planning on hurting themselves (or others) can save lives.
Thank you for sharing your story and opening up dialogue about such a tragic and heartbreaking topic. It’s not easy to talk about, but doing so is important.
NOTE: Those of you out there are are in crisis and are afraid to reach out for help, please do reach out. Your life matters. Those of you that suspect that someone you know is in crisis or contemplated suicide, don’t take it lightly. Ask them about it in a non-judgemental way. Let them talk. To the rest of the public, I think it’s important to educate yourselves, through professional mental health resources, how to help someone in crisis. It’s better to know how to help if you encounter it and end up not needing to use those skills, than to witness someone in crisis and not know how to help them.
***I also want to take the time to state that I’m NOT a professional and all of this is just my unprofessional suggestions, opinions and perspective. If you are curious about statistics and/or professional advice and perspectives, I suggest to do your own research to look into it further. ***
I hope you all remain safe and well!