So anxious today, I don't want to have a drink, but I'm afraid if I don't I will have a break down. I did OK yesterday. I had one angry moment when I couldn't find the TO / FROM stickers I bought. I am still mad about that. I can't believe I lost them. I bought new wrapping paper for this year and stickers to go with them, but the stickers disappeared.

I had a couple of drinks then wrapped the presents with the new paper but OLD stickers. I was much less angry after the drinks. It's not even a "get drunk" thing for me when I drink, it's a "feel normal" thing. It's asthough I need a drink or 2 JUST to FUNCTION AT ALL…

My Dr. gave me Ativan because it's supposed to do the same thing a couple of drinks does. Mellow you out so you are not about to jump out a window or tear your hair out. I tried it. But the Ativan made me very dazed and I felt bad, not just dazed but out of it in a bad way rather than "able to function" I wasnt.

I wonder if the Ativan had worked would I be better off because it's very addictive. I would probably need 2 pills a day and if I ever wanted to go off it go to detox.

So I'm not sure alcohol is much worse. It is I suppose. It's worse because I think it is more damaging to your insides than the drugs in the benzo family. I don't know. I just know that none of it is ideal, but the ANXIETY will not go away and the DEPRESSION is just as bad.

I hate this time of year. It's supposed to be fun, but it's really lonely and sad. K's birthday is just days before Christmas. I still can't see him. I looked at myself yesterday and I got even fatter. I can't put any thing on and look good. I am just plain fat.

My hair is horrible too. Nothing I can do with it. Once againI am faced with the pain of being forced to let K go and this time it is all my fault.