Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always wanted to be a boy. When people would mistake me for one, I would be happy. I used to wear my brothers clothes and always claim to be “one of the guys”. As I got older, I stopped thinking about proving how masculine I could be, and I kind of just became who I am now. A long time ago, I was watching some YouTube video about a man transitioning to a woman and she shared her experiences and how she felt and how she knew she was trans. During the video, I was surprised on how many times I thought, “I know exactly how that feels.”
It scared me.
It terrified me to think that I might be like that. So I buried it down and didn’t think about it again for months. Just last month, I started thinking about it again. I was hanging out with my friends at his house and somehow we got on the topic of how “men had it easier”. Which I agree to some extent, but I also realize men have other difficulties that women just don’t understand.
While they were all talking about it, all I could think of was how jealous I was of them. Being able to be freely themselves, and feel comfortable in their own skin. With no doubt in their mind in who they were.
A few days ago, I brought it up to my Mom as a joke, saying that I wanted to become a man because I liked all men’s clothes anyway and it’d be much easier shopping for myself if I just could fit them. Since I’m too small to fit any of the clothes I actually like. When I said it, my Mom got wide-eyed and told me she didn’t think she could handle that.
My Mom is very open minded and very caring and understanding and I always knew that she was okay with anything LGBT. I came out as gay to her a long time ago and she was totally fine with it, didn’t even bat an eyelash. But it scares me to think that if I figure out that I am trans, what my Mom will say, or what she will think of me.
It makes me tear up when I think of her telling me she can’t take that, or she won’t accept it.
But I think I’m just thinking too far ahead, I’m still confused.
I simply just don’t know who I am.
