So I’m tired of going to therapy and taking meds… I’m tired of feeling like I’m not “normal”. I’m tired of going through the same bullshit, over and over. But I constantly put myself in bad situations. I’m turning 30 next month and I should be over this shit by now. It’s time to grow up, but how do other people handle their emotions? I constantly feel overwhelmed but I just suck it up… until I just CAN’T anymore. I was so proud of myself for finally finishing school (and I actually did very well!) Now I don’t even want to go to my graduation ceremony. Everyone will be asking what I’m up to and if I’ve found employment in my field… and I did… I got hired at my externship site… and then I had an anxiety attack and didn’t go to work or even call in because how do you explain that? And then the anxiety snowballed.
My mind won’t stop…
“Everyone at work hates you and you aren’t even good at your job! You constantly have to ask questions and it’s really annoying”
”You just wasted your time and money to go back to school. Who’s going to want to hire you?! You can’t keep a job!”
”He’s going to leave you… You’re a burden and he can’t support you emotionally and financially forever!”
”Is this really the example you want to set for your kids?
”Your family is so DISAPPOINTED in you. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!”
And now I’m just sitting here… I have my 9 month old to take care of, all of my belongings are in boxes because I just moved, and my boyfriend is out of town for 2 weeks. There’s just so much to do and I feel completely drained. I feel like a failure. How do other people balance everything?! Why can’t I get my shit together?! I just want to avoid everything and everyone.