All my life, I knew I was attracted to boys. I was probably just as boy crazy as you could get.
When I got to middle school, I had to go to a new school. That meant new friends, new atmosphere, and a new life. As the years went by, many of my closest friends began to come out. Of course I was more than supportive of them.
It wasn’t until last year, I began to feel different. I started to look at other girls differently. At first, I denied my feelings and just assumed it was just a part of growing up. But recently, I started watching Criminal Minds and I’ve realized how attracted I am to the actress who plays Emily Prentiss.
The only reason why I knew wasn’t officially bisexual was because although I was attracted to women, I never wanted to date them. I could never see myself dating, marrying or growing old with a woman, only a man. Deep down, I feared I was facing my own internalized homophobia, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I truly and undoubtedly can’t romantically attracted to women.
The confusion I was feeling was nearly suffocating. I browsed through many LGBT forums, chat rooms, and other resources and something caught my eye.
I kept exploring more about this and was please to not only found out this was exactly the way I felt, but is actually fairly common.
As happy as I was to finally put a name on what I was feeling, I also read about some controversy around it. Many LGBTQ+ members consider it toxic saying it’s basically what I feared it was, internalized homophobia. This only confused more.
As of today, I’m still trying to figure out what my sexuality is.
But I’ve kept my feelings about this inside of me for so long and it feels good to finally have someplace to write about it.