I havent been doing good lately. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, but then their are days like today whereI dont know how to go on.

I cant sleep, I get sad out of the blue sometimes for no reason, sometimes for a million reasons. Im pretty sure no one around me knows how I feel. I try to sleep and I wake up having terrible vivid nightmares. Its like I can never relax. My newest fear is sleeping too long and not being able to wake up.

Im usually a really positive person to everyone else, but lately, I havent been even able to post to ppl and tell them it is going to get better. How can I, when for me, I dont feel like it is going to get better, I dont know now. Im feeling really hopeless and like nothings going to get better.

I was just at my med. doc. and she said, to take my klonopin, when Im having a major panic attack, already have been. And for "my" insomnia, she told me to take a different med. Great! so now, she is saying I have insomnia, just something else to add to my list of what is wrong with me. I get off my meds. to have a baby and for other medical reason, diabetes, gaining weight, sleeping too much, etc., etc., etc. and now they want me to take a med. to sleep and Im scared as hell to sleep now, let alone take a pill. I just getting off my pills and the withdrawal symptoms are HELL, so now Im scared to death to take any pills, period, not just cuz the withdrawal, but cuz I gained weight, got diabetes from it, etc. etc.

Oh and I went to my conselor too, LOL, great another one doesnt know how the hell to deal with me, I mean thats pretty much how I feel. So, now Im feeling alone more than ever.

I just got married 4 mos. ago and now this is happening, whoo hoo, happy newly wed her, ya, I am, I just cant let myself be me. The ME, I use to be, the happy, loving, caring, outgoing, love haning out, making new friends, girl I use to be. I dont know what to do anymore. I look at ppl and sometimes I start to feel like, I dont know them and of course I do, its my hubby, my parents, friends, my safe people. And now Im freaking out in every way.

Ya, I have things that are stressing me out, dont we all, but, what, how can I not stop stressing out about them. I can barley get out of my house, let alone work out, like everyone tells me will help me so much. I can eat better, but right now, the only thing that makes me feel comforting is food. I cry alot, I sit and wonder alot, I get sad, angry, mad, confused, hurt. Im very anxious all the time, I get sad feelings out of the blue, I dont know what is going on. I feel like IM LOSING IT, Im going CRAZY, really.

And NO ONE is going to know how to help me or what to do, been there, done this and that. Feels like Ive been to a million counselors, tried a million meds., talked to God, tried to listen to Him, read His word, etc. and its like I cant do this anymore.

Im at my low and I didnt ever think Id be back here, if I was here, maybe I was worse, maybe this is worse, I dunno, 19 yrs of having this bullshit, it seems like someone could help me, or MORE it seems like I COULD HELP MYSELF!

I just dont know why, why would God allow this to happen to people and if I have these and worry and dont trust Him, how can I be a good Christian, really embarressing, especially since my grandpa is a retired Pastor.

And I dont know what to do anymore, I dont even think I care if something happens to me, I mean at least I would feel better if I was gone. I just hopeless and feel so alone