things have been rough lately. i’ve been getting really frustrated at everything.

ive been doubting that there is a god. it feels weird saying that, cause i’ve been a christian my whole life but it’s about what you as an individual believe, not what your family believes. and right now i’m not sure. all we know about god is from the bible, and the bible is a book. people write books all the time.

i feel awful for saying this. it doesn’t feel right. maybe i’m wrong, probably sooner or later i’ll make amends. but right now i really just can’t do that.

and i’m not looking to be proven wrong rn. you could respond with the best evidence and theology in the world and it would probably go right over my stupid fucking head.

just because of our sheer existence, we are in pain. some of us are happy, but a lot of us aren’t. even those of us who are happy, we all feel pain.

so many philosophers and ordinary people have been stumped by the question why. why does any of this exist? why did god create the universe? and we all just rely on the idea that it’s beyond human comprehension but that god has a reason and a plan.

i don’t get that.

we are punished with hell for not accepting you before we die, so give us a sign we can all believe, or at least make it easier to stay alive and well. don’t say it’s impossible, don’t say we’re too stubborn, you could literally brainwash us if you wanted to, or snap us out of existence. you are omni-powerful.

so god. if you do exist, give me a sign i can believe. or change my mindset so that i’ll believe it. whatever