Life has been hectic lately, to say the least. Many things have been going on in my life and it’s all testing my strength. It’s not necessarily a bad thing I’m realizing. If I couldn’t handle it why would it be thrown my way?

With all my Anxiety disorders pairing with depression. . . It’s misery-always. Everything is conflicting and you can never trust yourself and you’ll always question if your making the right choice. Something has changed within me though. It hasn’t made anything easier exactly. There is no cure for my mental problems, I’ll forever have this affliction, this disease. Whatever it is, it’s a part of me. That doesn’t mean I can’t work with it right? Doesn’t mean I can’t improve?

So the thing that changed within me, it just flicked on like a light. Dim at first, but it was there. All of the things in my life were building to this, how could I have been so blind?

It’s like watching a movie you really loved for the second time and you finally see all these little foreshadowing moments. A bunch of ironic one liners in your favorite show. Or you’re playing a video game for 900th time and you’re just now realizing all these little Easter eggs that have been in front of you the whole time. That’s me. That’s what I feel but about my actual life and decisions.

The thing is, it’s not just about these major decisions in my life that this light bulb flicked on, showing me that there has been little moments in my life leading to this. I’ve also had this curtain lifted, it made me realize that all these things I’ve been looking into are right. It may be risky, difficult, long and hard of a process, but I can see that all things work out. May not be as soon as I’d like but I’m capable. And I’ll be okay. It’s helped me not stress the little stuff as much. I may have at first when the problem arises but I know I can tackle it. I can relax. Even if it’s just for a moment.

Every time I’m knocked down or my mentalness gets the better of me, I shall rise.

These past few days I feel so bold, so in charge. Confidence but not arrogance. Everything will play out in my favor simply because I can manage it, I can handle it.

For so long I’ve felt so hopeless and everyone always was so selfish and cared nothing about the inconveniences or struggles it would put on someone else. I’ve accepted that everyone has their own things to deal with and I can be kind and be understanding but instead of breaking my back for them and breaking my back just dealing with my own mental struggles just to “obey” their silly rules. There is a reason I’m bending or breaking them. Other wise I wouldn’t bother. I’m not doing this just to give you a headache, I’m not wanting to waste my time with this any more than you. You’d think people would at least try to work with each other to make things work out for everyone. Whatever. Past is the past. No doubt, there is more to come but it doesn’t matter. I can accomplish anything.

Maybe I’ve just been in a good state of mind these past few weeks, I don’t know. I’d say good mood but that would imply I feel loads better that my normal. I mean, I have been but I don’t know. I’m aware it’s there and I still deal with it but its like. I think its like getting a piercing. It’s not a crippling kind of pain like the first day you got it to where you couldn’t function and needed to take a bunch of pain pills. But today you can feel and be aware that the piercing is there and it’s a little sore to lean on it.

More in depth of my life, lets see what I can say. I’ve been fighting against the school to take the SAT. For one, I don’t believe in the kind of testing. It’s just for money to the state, it’s not required to graduate in my state yet the school requires you to do it because its required by state law of educational blah blah blah. What? Yeah I don’t think so. The most important thing about this though is my anxiety. It’s more than just a little test anxiety, I mean wow that is bad enough to deal with. I get such awful panic attacks though. My legs and arms will shake. My hands will vibrate, fingers stinging so badly I can’t wrap my fingers around the pencil anymore. The only thing your ears can hear is your heart beat. You feel the heart beat thumping at the sides of your head. Blood boiling just beneath the skin. You can’t breathe and your chest is incredibly tense. Unable to focus, unable to solve an equation, unable to write an essay, unable to read articles to decide if the grammar and punctuation is right. It’s all too much. I’ve explained it over and over to multiple people and they can’t get it, or care. I can’t explain in any other way except saying I’m disabled.

I have gone back and forth with them with my mom and they wanted un-enroll me for three weeks. Great in theory but even if I work in advance, they (because im in online school) won’t let me work enough in advance. So we’ve gotten them to bend the rules and there will be no waiting for certain time intervals, I’ll just get the test and take it. Except I’ll still be really uncomfortable so I’m going to just mark answers as quick as I can.

On another note I’ve been looking into this one Australian Shepherd breeder that’s about an hour and a half away. They look really good. They follow this thing called puppy culture and it looks really helpful especially for the purpose of this dog being my psychiatric service dog. I contacted them on Facebook. From everything I’ve looked at they have 3 puppies still and their 10 weeks old but I don’t even have the fundraiser set up yet. My mom and I had Razoo in mind but we saw that they weren’t reliable so now we are thinking gofundme will be best. It’s sad because we have everything set up on Razoo almost. All we needed to was get our bank info together. Good thing we found out they aren’t reliable. We were gonna set it up today but It’s 8:30 at night right now so we’ll probably do it tomorrow. Plus with the whole SAT thing going right now we aren’t prepared for the puppy yet. Hopefully they will respond again soon. I’m really hoping that they will have another litter soon. I was under the impression they had more than one male and female they were breeding. I know cosmetics on these dogs aren’t important for my reason of getting one but I don’t think their dogs look all that nice. They appear to have good health genetic wise at least. I’m getting excited. Hopefully I’ll go and take a look at them and the parents and be pleasantly surprised. Who cares if they don’t look glamorous though. If one is the perfect dog then so be it, I’ll get that one.

I wish she would have another in April and I’d be able to get one of those. I have a feeling it won’t work out so and I might have to look at other breeders. *sigh* In due time. I’ll have patience.


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