I'm coming out to you all right now because I've exhausted my mother, my best friend, and myself. Some of you may remember me posting something on here a month ago about not being sure I love my fiance anymore. It's gotten much, much, worse, especially because I've started to get "close"with one of my co-workers. I would never cheat and I now this guy is just a jerk, but since I've started my teaching job as a professor, teaching mostly males who are attractive and only about 5 years younger than me, I've become very confused about my feelings for my fiance and have been even developed crushes on some of my students. I feel like the women I use to hate, calling them sluts, but I can't help being attracted to these other guys.
Then, I look at Eric (fiance) and want to cry my eyes out and hold him tightly because according to my mind, I'm going to leave him and break his heart. I'm going to leave Eric soon, for one of my co-workers, or worse, my student…that's what's going to happen and then I'll be the big whore who threw her life away to be a slut and in turn lost the love of her life. But is he the love of my life? Maybe he isn't anymore? How do I really know? Why would I be struggling with this for so long if it wasn't true. Maybe I just want to start over again? Find a new guy where I can have those butterfiles and that fun romance again. Eric and I have been through hell, dealing with my family, then trying to find jobs, then moving around…things have always been really rough with us. but through that I still loved him and used to obsess severely about him leaving ME…now, since last Spring, it's been the opposite.
Some people say that it sounds like it isn't just OCD anymore…they are partially right, I did have issues of some resentment toward Eric-he's let himself go completely, is never romantic anymore, and seems to not want to get married….so I finally had this talk with him and he received what I said just the way he should. We were looking at wedding places the next day. I enjoyed it, but had this stinging pain in my side the whole time, "HA! what the hell are you doing here! You're trying to break up with him remember!?? You fucking idiot!! You misleading bitch! Stop stringing him along and DO something already you COWARD!!! Sit him down and BREAK IT UP WITH HIM FINALLY!….you fucking hypocrite!"
That is who lives in my head right now…she haunts me with every beat of my heart, every pulse, every breathe, every tear, she's there. And the worse part is I don't even know who she is. Is she me? Or is she that doubting disease that lives in my brain and has tormented me for years? Who am I? I feel like I should break up with him tonight when he gets home…I should be painting, getting ready for class, doing laundry…I've been by my phone waiting for someone to call me…I'm so lonley and need someone to help me, but no one is here.
I even went online and typed in "How do you know if you don't love someone anymore?" which was a great idea by the way….I found a list of signs and I was albe to relate to a few of them-but not all. I don't want to leave Eric…yes he's let himself go, yes he's got his problems….but he;s part of me. He's my soulmate….I can;t live without him…when I try to think about how I would feel if another man proposed to me,,,I'm ENRAGED…I want to murder them because I feel like they are trying to take me away from Eric.,..I have a student in particular who buys me coffee every class, talks to me all the time, is a body builder, tells me how pretty he thinks I am, and during class I try to stay professional….but part of me can't help it…I accept the free coffees, I accept the compliments…and then on the way home, he's all I think about…then I go on his facebook and stalk him and realize what an asshole his is….I'm looking at my compueter screen through tears…I wish God could come down here himself and just tell me…."Jessica, you feel this way, or you feel that way," but ofcourse not.
IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS THIS?
I've been pulling out my body hair all day…something I do when I'm losing it…can't stop…only relief….by the way, sex has become something I dread. I want no part of it. I'm shut off.