Everything in my life right now is screwed up one way or another and my tolerance for all of it has all but disappeared. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to jump out of my skin to escape all of it.
Work is all screwed up. I've been in such bad shape for the past month or so I've hardly been able to get any work done. I show up and feel overwhelmed by a crushing sadness that sucks all the motivation from my bones and weighs down each movement. I sit at my desk with my eyes alternating from the work I'm pretending to do and the clock, wondering if its time to go to the bathroom yet. The bathroom is my only escape from it all. I'll walk in confidently with my thumb tack and bottle of liquid bandage and I'll let some of the frustration and pain out on myself. I know how fucked up it is, and I often debate whether or not I should do it… but if I've made it into the bathroom with my little kit, I've yet to turn back.
My friends are there for me but it feels like they're on the other side of the world. They know I'm not doing well but they have no fucking idea of the half of it. I have problems relating to people who actually know me—the people I can't fake it with—now. Deep down, I find myself resenting them for being able to do the things I can't. Everything is a struggle now. Even when I manage to get out of the house to see them I feel alienated around the couples and I retreat inside of myself. I know how awkward I am socially now and I know its a striking difference from where I was at a year ago. I just can't relate to anyone anymore.
The funny thing is, I make such good impressions on acquaintances and people I've just met. I run through my routine, charm them up a bit and nearly everyone wants to know me… only they don't. I shroud all the pain and uncertainty with an ever present sense of humor and a carefree attitude that no one would believe wasn't natural. I can't usually fake it like that with people who really know me though, sometimes I can and I know it makes everyone happier. I don't even blame them for it—no one wants a dark cloud hanging over the room.
I desperately need to see a therapist. I had one for a few weeks but he was involved in a bizarre program that only allowed patients to be seen 10 times a year. It's such a shame, I really felt comfortable with this dude and I know I could've gotten somewhere with him. He was always trying to push me to go into a therapy boot camp that required me to go four hours a day, six days a week. I told him no way. Before I left though, he helped me find some numbers of other therapists… I haven't been able to pick up the phone for an appointment. It's so stupid. How long does a phone call really take? Two minutes? Three? How awful. I have to do it, I just have to.
As for everything else in my life… it's all in a state of uncertainty. That's the way its been for awhile and the way it'll probably remain until I decide to make a stink of it. I'm such a chicken shit sometimes, it makes me sick. I've developed an aversion to confronting difficult things over the years, it's the cowards way of dealing with issues I suppose. I'm not a strong person but I need to start taking steps to make my life better. I have to take responsibility but I don't even know where to begin sometimes.
I'm just going to go to sleep tonight and hope that tomorrow is a better day than today. It's gotten me through in the past… whats one more day, really?