I'm still up and down. I've been on the new meds for two weeks now and occationally i still have outbursts. Yesterday I was contemplating downing all my pills. I just lokked at the bottles and the thought rushed through me like a bullet. The meds were beconing me. whispering my name and saying "take me, take me." it took all i had not to down them. I've had it with trying to control my self. Why should i have to?

Ive been questioning several things about my life. Sometimes I have to give up, not because I want to, but because I feel like I have no choice.

Same thing with giving up on someone. I give up not because i dont care but because they dont. I spent my life caring so much for others when I need help my self. I need to help me first before trying to help others. I've put alot of energy into those I care about only to end up back at square one.

Other times I want to lose control and freak out on someone, just to get the frustration out. Its so hard to keep the beast at bay. I'm slowly falling back into that dark place were all there is is sadness and rage. I don't like whom I've become. I remember those days when I felt happy. Those memories are starting to fade away. Having BP1, PTSD, anxiety, hallusinations, and insomnia has been a complete nightmare. There are days when I don't even want to get out of bed, don't want to go to work. Days when it even hurts to breathe. I've isolated myself from family. They know about my condition but I don't want them to know that I'm spiraling back down to the bottom. I feel like i live in a huge maze and I cant find my way out. I cry about it alot.

I'm still seeing a therapist and a prescriber but I feel like it's not enough. Today is one of those days were I feel like my insides are exposed. Can people see what I feel? Do they care? Probably not…….

I put on a mask everyday. every time I put it on it falls appart little by little. Soon enough there won't be a mask. The pretty face that they're used to will transform into the scary beast that hides within.


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