I wish that I could blow up a radio the next time that I hear that song, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year". It is definitely not for me. It seems that, around the end of November or the beginning of December, I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and depression. All things considered, I wish I could skip the entire thing. It would be great if there were a way that I could feel what "normal" people feel, but I don't. I've tried to analyze why. I thought it was anxiety over money and inability to give what I'd like to, but that's not it. I think it has a lot to do with the onset of winter, plus the entire advertising/television concept thing. I've always felt that I was kind of weird and different and never quite fit in. We moved constantly when I was young and I have moved a few times as an adult, so I don't have any friends that I've known from childhood/high school or anything like that. So, when I'm bombarded by shows and commercials with people enjoying time with friends and family at parties and other gatherings, I guess it drives home my sense of isolation. I have my son and his family. My mother lives out in Oregon and has her own life. If I didn't call her, I would never hear from her again. That's just the way she is (a long story). In her own way, I believe she loves me, but she is a very narcissistic person. My roommate is about the only friend I have. I have had boyfriends, but the relationships are shortlived. My marriages have not been stellar choices and I doubt that will be happening again. I have a propensity to make choices that are not the best. The most recent brilliant decision was to take the comprehensive insurance off of my car, because it went up $75 per month after an accident that I had last January (my fault). On December 1, I wasn't paying attention and slammed into another car, which caused enough damage to destroy the car, break my finger and cause my right leg to be pretty bruised and swollen. It was a 2006 car that I am still making payments to my brother on. He was kind enough to pay off the car, since my credit is bad and I was paying $435 per month. I still have two more years of payments to him and, now, no car. This means that I have a 1/2 hour walk and two buses to get to work in the morning, leaving the house at 6:30 to get to work at 9:00. This was the coup de grace for what is already a bad time of year. I have crappy credit and it may be awhile before I can afford a new car. I know I sound whiney, but this is my blog and how I feel right now. Like the old HeeHaw song: "Blue Despair is hanging in on me, deep dark depression, excessive misery, if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all, blue despair is hanging in on me…"

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