I really can't take this. I knwo that there are people with it far far worse then me, but I can't help but be selfish and want out of this miserable world.
My mother has started drinking a lot lately. Today (and this is in the past three hours or so) she has downed half a liter of booze. Her behavoir when drunk is less then fun, in fact, she's a horrid and angry drunk. Atleast if she was a happy fun drunk I could deal with that. But no, she's verbally abbusive and just not somehting I would like to go near.
My friends, or who I thought were my friends are now for the most part ignoring me. Either that or they're bad talking me to my other friends and strangers. I'm near my wits end with this. I transferred to the K12 program to get AWAY from this insistant and meaningless drama, but it's far worse online. I guess what they think is, is that just because they can't see your face that it's meaningless and doesn't hurt. But in this place I call reality, it hurts far more. I trusted these people and told them all sorts of things. And to think I had JUST gotten back to trusting people – silly me, my mistake.
Shadow, my dog, won't shut up. I understand dogs bark, I do. But really? It's 3 am and hes yapping! Atleast Brian Regan has a good idea of what he's doing. Hmph. (If you don't know what I'm talking about go here and watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezN7k3Cn41s ) See what I mean? It's not like I have never heard another dog go off like mine, it's just a bit stressful when you've been up for four to five days at a time. But that's a whole other subject isn't it?
School…ugh….I just can't do bad enough! I used to be such a good student! A's and B's, all sorts of clubs and a member of student council. Now? I'm lucky to have a 60% in all my classes, no clubs or student council, no special programs, no contact with other kids, no focus. Nothing. I'm only two weeks in for god's sake! I can't even begin to look for a way to get help and I'm already going to be looked at for expultion because of ym grades. I can't go back to public school either – I can't stand the in real life drama or school work. Someone help me before I rip my newly dyed hair out! (OTL that sounded so snotty…. "OMG IM LIKE TOTES UPSET!!!! UGH! GET ME SOME PRADA BEOTCH!" just shoot me. >:T)
Remmeber that little entry I did about my dog? Remember what I said about sleep? Yeah. That's this paragraphs topic. How fun. Well, if I even get to sleep I only have about two or three hours of it before it's time for school or my dog starts barking. Usually in a week I have four hours of okay sleep, in a month I have about 8 hours? Not good, I know. Not only do I not sleep well at all, no, I SEE things too. I'm so bonkers. The toher night I had a hullucination that this horrible creature was sitting in my kitchen…Just…sitting there. It turned it's head and it had no face to speak of but this smile. This never faltering wide, almost teasing smile! It had about four or five legs, knees bent backwards and long long sharp claws (I mean, I wasn't looking too close. I was running to my room but still, from what I could see they were claws!). It dripped blood all over from its smiling mouth and its long slender hands. I screamed bloody murder and ran to my room, pushing my desk and my bookcase against the door in hopes that it would just GO AWAY. I can't take these hallucinations anymore, I'm near out of my mind with fright every night. I don't even notice I'm having them till I'm calmed down.
I'm so sorry to dump on you guys, you got your own problems but I really needed to just let this out. I don't mind if you guys read this or not, but if you did I really thank you with all my heart for sticking with me through this post. Thank you all.