Another day, more of the same, same battle, keep on fighting, high emotions and low and at the end of the day I feel so exuhasted by it all it's back to bed for another.
I have good/bad news but that's really irrelevant to this blog. I'm starting to see my life as for the confined small thing it is in all this introspection, deep looking at the world, study, reading, focus. It's all so maddening to see that realistically I'm really alone, and I'm a very codependent person.
I would say my codependency stems from some need of someone to assure me things are going to be alright, like I need some other voice there than just my head. I feel like sometimes I can't do things on my own. it's like I'm seeking out someone to tell me something, to make me feel something, like I'm seeking a voice then I understand why people seek religion. I am not a religious person and have never been, I'm here, I don't know what life is and at some point I will not be here anymore. It makes me sad but you much accept it.
I miss my ex for the thought that she made me feel like everything was alright, like she was the calm in me. But she's not that person any longer, even if I had her back she wouldn't be, and even so, I shouldn't seek someone to be that calm for me, that's not healthy, i must find it in myself. So I painfully seek, I look, I dive inside my head and out to the world and all it's stressors and in the end, I can find nothing.
I'll keep looking, and I'm sorry to myself that I failed to live up to my own expecations, I forgive myself, but I can't help but wish things were different. Letting go of that feeling may help, but still things are as they are, and I feel very trapped in my own life.
Is there anyone out there with a solution?