Imagine. There’s a word in hate to hear. I don’t do imagination and prefer to deal with the here and now and what is actually going on in my life. I believe the phrase imagine leads to regret and I’m at that point in life where regret leads to nothing good.

i remember sitting in my bedroom at 14 years old and planning my suicide. I remember thinking about every detail including who would find my body. I remember wanting to be free, ideally happy, but at least free. I remember waking up and hearing my mother say ‘why is he doing this to us.’ A phrase that has defined my relationship with her. We’re not close, we never will be. The fact that she thought my misery was about her says it all. It was about me. I was miserable and you didn’t see it. My life’s all about me and that’s the way I choose to live it. I’ve come a long way since those lonely nights and I’ve done it on my own. I am proud of my accomplishments. I turned it around when the world had given up on me. Never underestimate the power you give someone by believing in them. I believe in me.

Then I get the news “I’m pregnant”

I’m terrified