Well i wanted to share with everyone why i am on this site… First off i think when i signed in i clicked on the wrong year though, i’m 43 not 41 and i apoligize for that… anyways…

How about if i  just give you a head’s up on me (and my life).. This is my 2nd time around inflicted with anxiety/depression, to make sence of this i’ll explain best i can… The first time was around 1992, i had anxiety/depression i wasn’t sure what i was going through/ dealing with at this time til i seen a commercial on tv… some days it was mild and intense other days.. At this time i had my 4 kids in my life, (the oldest was 12 (girl) didn’t live with me tho)  the youngest was under 3 (girl) the only child to my common-law, my 2 son’s 9 and 11.. Like any family sometimes things we’re good, and sometimes things we’re upsidedown, i tried to the best of what abilities a person can have with these sort of issues i was facing to tend to my kids, school, meals, laundry, do things with them, which was mostly in the house or yard (til my youngest was born is when i started forcing myself out of the house/to the park/ and for walks)..even some of my trusted friends helped (the one’s who understood/ cared) they would take my kids out and amuse them for a few hours and sometimes take them for an overnight…. (unlike the common-law spouse who was there – who did NOTHING with them) oh wait he did talk to them sometimes, and he took TOTAL credit to them being at home with us, they we’re in care before i hooked up with him, and for some reason he feels i wouldn’t of gotten them back if he wasn’t in the picture, or that was what he was telling others.  We we’re also on assitance so he bought the food, and paid whatever bills he wanted to take care of, i never knew what he did take care of and never asked for surely i’d be lied to anyways.. like it was none of my business… After he left on December 19th 2000, (10 days before Xmas) to hook up with his 14yr old girlfriend (overnight mind you) i didn’t find this out til her parents came to my house all upset with both of them. It took a few months to get out again normally after that unhappy event, but in this time i almost completely got over my anxiety, makes me think the obvious that it was connected to him.  But there was now bigger fish to fry, that i wasn’t aware of yet.  Within a year of the Ex splitting he worked on getting all 3 kids to hate me, suceeded with 1 (my youngest son)  can you believe he had the gall to try and brainwash a 3yr old away from her mom. I think it peeved him off because at 3 she had her own mind, and brave enough to say NO to daddy. When he got more on his feet though he’d work on Plan B.

 At this present moment i’m stuck indoors,  ( no kids in my care – not my choice i couldn’t fight the gov’t and the lies or find anyone to help or who would listen) so at this time i find it impossible to venture or even force myself  the few blocks over to the hospital, let alone out of the yard, i knew there was a reason we moved so close  ( 1 year ago) i’m seeing it now, i barely made it here when we did move, i had to do breathing and have water handy to go 4 blocks (from our old house) When we got here i was so-so, a little scared and already missing my old apt since i just lived there for almost 5yrs, i had alot of memories in that place.  Now that i’m gone from there, the reality of not going back has sunk in along with a compialation of alot of other things, that i feel hounded about.  By people who just won’t let someone with a history alone. 

Well i reason i think i feel the way i do is because i am dealing with a really sad seperation event that took place with my youngest child, and well life just ain’t the same without my little girl.  On January 30 2004, she was removed from her classroom (while i was out taking a walk – awaiting dismissal time)  when i arrived at the school  just past 3 to wait to get her, i discover she’s not here, her teacher hands me a (business card from a CFS worker) nothing on it just his card no message of urgency, nada.  Well of course i’m already in panic-state, because these people already had my son’s in care, and we’re just dying for an opportunity to take my last child. 

I don’t understand why i’m dealing with this situation, but arriving at the office (of CFS) in my mind was nothing but bad news.  I barely sat down and i’m asking the ‘ worker – where’s my daughter ‘  he said we put her in a foster home.  ‘ I asked why? ‘  .. He said ‘ For Safety Measures’   well after hearing this it was obvious they were not going to hand me back my child, i got up and left in a blubbering mess, walked at a very fast pace back home.  Calmed myself down for a good 20minutes to call this ‘thief’ back….

Now he’s saying ‘ We need to talk about this and arrange a meeting – figure this all out ‘ and here i thought i was getting some support from him.  Fat chance, he was motioning a front to come into my house so him and his partner can pass me ‘ Court Particulars’ and when i should appear in court.  Worst day of my life, no lawyer, no support, no hope.  You’ll never believe this i had a Family Support Worker, and CFS worker (he hated me tho i could tell by the way he talked to me like i was a mental-case) and how he answered some of my questions about my son’s  

The stuff CFS  put in this court-document was ridiculous… They said i had to throw out all my movies, video games, other misc items, without any reason connected to why i need to do this, oh and that i needed counselling, and pretty much pointed out that i’m sleeping around with alot of guys… Someone’s obviously talking behind my back and saying stupid things, and these people follow through with it…  All i could keep telling myself is ‘ What did i do that was so wrong? ‘  If anything the school she was in would of noticed anything, changes in my daughter, not taken care of properly, or in her grades, appearance, and behavior, the school had no complaints, she just started in this school 5mnths ago, it wasn’t alot of time, but so far i was doing good with her, i walked her to school everyday did her parent-teacher interviews as hard as this was, i would always expect lectures from people, but not this time, the meeting with her teacher went fairly well, though for me it was kind of awkward ( a first time for me doing this) 

Well after this day, and no chance to get her back, when the worker show’d up at my house with his partner, i wasn’t expecting things to get worst, but i had a friend there with me for some support.  The minute the worker stepped in the door, he was looking at my friend and questioning his relationship to me, and whatnot.  Then get this made him state his name and started lecturing him about child abuse records and i felt so bad for the guy, he was my friend, and now he was dealing with people climbing down his throat.   It felt like my fault i figured great now here i am ruining someone else’s life and reputation just because they know me.  Well long story short, after 3 lawyers, and an assessment, it went from bad to really awful.  I had no hope in hell to get my daughter back, and couldn’t even get a supportive lawyer to help me.  I had a history and not many wanted to play around with CFS and their power, espcially if they believed i’m at fault for the lies these people we’re stating if it wasn’t going on now, eventually would.

After my many trips to court, the assessment gone wrong, and 3 lawyers who more or less just slammed their doors in my face, i had nowhere to turn, i wrote alot of letters to these men while they we’re appointed to help, i don’t think they cared, or pretended to.  No one seemed to care, i was a career criminal, or made to look like one anyways, They didn’t arrange a visit for me with my child til they had someone sitting in my visit to supervise, so i didn’t see my child for 54 days after she went into care, on March 25 of 2005 i finally get to see her and you know what the first thing she said to me was??  ‘ Are you still sick Mommy, are you feeling better now’ 

I wasn’t sick but i’m sick with grief now, and every day, week,month, year that passed since she was removed.  For 3 1/2yrs we had visits in the CFS office  with someone supervising almost each time, alot of cancelled visits the moment i’m standing at their reception desk (with no notice or warning)  pretty much after this i guess i just gave up, my mind and heart was completely unhealable after losing her and no hope to getting her back. 

Eventually the new worker who was assigned to take over, increased my visit at my house finally (with a supervisor) but her older sibs we’re not allowed  after i guess one time my son started talking about things the woman supervising didn’t like to hear.  Keep in mind soon after he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, so who was always a bit of handful, stuff like this doesn’t get swept under the rug though.  I think the visits went on for about 4mnths and then we we’re getting ready to move, i couldnt’ have my child at the house when it wasn’t appropriate and things we’re all over so we cancelled the visits til we moved, he hardly ever responded back, the visit just didn’t go on so i know he recieved the message.. After we moved and settled in we started emailing him again for visits and he never responded back.

Which leaves me to my state of mind as i see it, losing her was a hard thing to deal with, but losing her and not seeing her, just sent me over the edge.  I miss her, and she’ll be 11years old on Sept 26th, and in my mind she doesnt even think about me anymore.  I do alot of writing about whatever i can think of to maybe make a story out of this one day.  I grew up in care myself and i never had a very happy life, til i had my kids.  Now they were all gone 2 are hating me, 1 is sitting in the psych ward (the one with Schizophrenia and my oldest is down the street 7 houses away.  Can we say CURSED or how i feel most of the time.. anyways i hope you readers can make sence of this i’m not the best writer and well it’ll be hard to polish things up and throw in every details or we’d be reading alot more..

you can comment if you like but please don’t be harsh critical.. i’ve been through enough, and i didn’t deserve to lose her entirely, they just chose not to help because i guess keeping up together would of been to much work for that office, and the EX would never of shut-up while she was with me…

Feels like the end.. but i’m still here trying to cope hard as it is.. Ty for reading

 

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