Well, so much has happened in the past couple of weeks. On a whim I wrote a letter to Chad (in which I revised like, 3 times) and I felt really confident in writing it and I left it semi-anonymously on his car. I said I wasn’t expecting a reply or reaction and I haven’t. I guess I was hoping that he would somehow miraculously feel the same way about me as I felt about him.
Although I tried to forget about him, I just can’t. It seems as when I try to forget about him something pops up to remind me of him. Call me crazy or desperate, but when I was on the highway I saw a license plate that was CLK 625, which if you look at if from my signifies "Chad Loves Krystle" and 625= (6 x 2) + 5 = 17, his jersey number. I hadn’t felt so upset about the whole thing until just now when I realized he changed his profile picture on facebook and he looked so gorgeous. I had never seen anyone more gorgeous than that. So naturally I broke down and wish I hadn’t screwed things up with him. I know I did because of the stupid pitcher who wouldn’t leave me alone. He damn well knew that i had sincerely liked Chad yet he insisted on relations with me. Then him and the other idiot pitcher plotted against pulling us apart and things just fell from there. I really wish I could turn back time, I would have talked to Chad more, hung out with him. I would have showed him that I am a real person, not some little groupie college co-ed who just wants to get into his pants. I really truly care about the real him, but he doesn’t know that. Only God knows what Manny said on that bus in Corpus, I sure don’t. But I wish Iknew so I could reverse every single lie he ever said.
Then I realized why I am so bitter. I was watching Waitress (the one with Jeremy Sisto and Keri Russell) and there was the wedding scene with her friend Dawn and I felt so bitter at their happiness. I feel so bitter whenever I see happy couples. There was a line in the movie that I had said myself I was going to cry at and what do ya know, I ended up crying anyway a few minutes later when I saw that picture of Chad. The line was, "Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it. " Well, after I heard that and thought I was going to cry I thought, "What an idiot, what a pathetic idiot". Which is exactly what I am for getting all sappy over the line and then later crying at the stupid picture. I am bitter because nothing has romanctically gone my way. Just when I put all of my trust into someone they do something to let me down. So do you blame me? Do you blame me for feeling to god damn sorry for myself?? I am pathetic and I don’t need anyone or anything in my life to make me happy. I don’t believe in soulmates, true love or "The One" because right when I felt happy someone did something to reverse every single happy moment in my life. So to hell with everyone, there WAS one person in this world who I thought could make me happy but apparently I’m not supposed to be happy, not with him at least. Now I will go back to my pathetic life, cry my pathetic tears into my pathetic little baseball pillow which I so want to sew a picture of him into but that would be too damn sorry pathetic I don’t want to face the embarrassment. I have never felt more sorry for myself than I do right now. Go ahead, we can all say it. "Poor girl, has nothing else better in her life to do than dream over someone who probably barely recognized her existence. Someone who probably doesn’t give a shit whether or not they ever hear from her again."