Yet another bout, a thirteenth round and a new bottoming out.  It feels like a dark immortal python whole consuming my every thought emotion feeling and even movement.  It’s taken 8 months to do what I used to face down and defeat. This time theres a ball and chain of darkness, hopelessness and quiet.  My vocabulary even is numb almost like a calm on a lake.  I barely have words to put out.  Im so worn out so lost I sometimes try to parralell and justify failing.  But based on im still here and fighting and wanting a life I dont think ive failed yet.  As I said this time im hit with a low, almost punch to the stomach subwoofer bass numbing feeling of pure and utter depression.  Iv made a whole and battened down the hatch so far this time.  The road and way back for the first time isnt there.  Not to toot my own horn but iv cold turkey picked a few times HARD gnarly awful as can be  Gone to work with no sleep you cang eat misery in the flesh   Then come out the other side A NEW MAN empowered accomplished refreshed.  No meds. No rehab. No Drs. No NA. Nothing just did it.  Yet obviously….  here I am again.  In what seems like a spiritual sentence of eternal suffering and pain.  Conjuring out memories ive never thought of making me reflect on my life as a whole.  Coming off a three day hospital stay for being up for 4 days trying to go to work after benzo withdrawal AND dope sick with copping a bag heavy with Fentanyl and fucking RICIN.  When Drs told me I was positive for that, if you dont know what Ricin is its like anthrax a crazy gnarly chemical lethally capable of wiping out CITIES when weaponized   Wich FUELED my insane… Immense hallucinations of illuminati knowledge to hearing voices being half awake blurting.out what I or we dubbed “half dreaming” as my girlfriend says “yes” when im kind of asleep having the worst night terrors but talking and waking up every few minutes saying things and asking things.   I faced the hallucinations of insomnia and chemicals poisoning me along with dope and benzo withdrawal and I didnt lose my mind.  Still here no meds no dr   Just still fighting.  Still fighting.   Ive never joined anything like this and this is my first blog ever.  I guess I want and need to talk to like minded people maybe in the same situation, who can relate.  So   Thanks for reading.