I’m not really sure why all the sudden I feel like talking about what been going on. I’m doing really amazing,  the best I’ve been doing in well… too long, and I’m very much still a work in progress. I was about a 12 year opiate user and I’ve been clean a year. I don’t have any desire to go back to that life, it’s a major struggle still learning how to live normally. It is an odd thing to forget, and when you live your life a certain way change can be difficult. It’s literally like I paused my life for that time and now I’m trying to play catch up and it’s hard. I’m afraid of everything. My family,  my job,  friends <which is a wonderful thing to have after not having any for 10 years>, going out,  paying bills in person. I supported myself the whole time I used,  I always had a job and a place to live so I wasn’t ever completely lost. I have no idea how I managed a habit and took care of myself that whole time but it’s better then nothing. I think that though I’m still sad to a point I’m more afraid then anything else. How can I still be afraid after a year? My anxiety is out of control inside me sometimes, idk if I want to laugh madly or cry with frustration while ripping my hair out. As a person looking in on situations I feel like I can understand everyone’s side except my own. I think mostly right now what makes me so anxious is my job and the financial situation I put myself in. I’m done with my current job,  I’ve had it for 8 years and have zero desire to move up in this company. Here’s the thing though,  when I think of getting a new one, I panic. No one will want to hire me bcuz I’m socially awkward, terrible at interviews <I totally space out> and my credit. I’m freaking out just thinking about it. I rejected everything for 12 years so I wouldn’t be rejected myself and here I am. I’m not even going to talk about the money I owe, one thing at a time. then all the medical treatment I haven’t had in 12 years. There’s just allot of very personal issues. I have a husband that had been through the same thing as me and he’s been the only one that actually knows everything. He has his own issues but that’s a completely different story. Anyway, since I’m an recovering addict I refuse to take anything that isn’t natural, I occasionally have a drink with my girlfriend’s every few weeks but other then that nothing. I’ve researched how to meditate which I don’t really find really relaxing though I’m no expert so who knows. B12, st John’s wart, other vitamins. I don’t have good enough insurance for therapy so that’s out the window. I’d like to try cbd, but it’s pricey. I don’t even necessarily know if I want to talk to someone about this or just get it out. I love writing, I loved art but I dont do either bcuz I don’t think I’m good enough. I know my major fear is being judged, even by myself. It seems irrational to be afraid of my own judgement but there it is. I guess I don’t accept myself regardless of the amazing progress I’ve made. It’s impressive but it still doesn’t seem good enough, I’m too afraid to do anything about it and it’s ridiculous. If I could be ok with myself everything would be much better. My relationships are pretty good, so it’s like this greatness is floating all around me and I’m barely touching it. Well that’s just a touch of what’s going on but it’s a good start

1 Comment
  1. emziie 3 years ago

    Hello, I’ve just read though your blog and I’m really amazed at the progress you have made. You seem very self aware and in control of your relationships which (being a recovering addict myself) is very hard to do. You seem to be very hard on yourself, being clean for a year is freaking amazing but be wary of taking to much on at once and pushing yourself to hard. Recovery is a lifelong journey and you have all the time in the world to continue finding out who you are. If you need any support then don’t hesitate to contact me 🙂 I wish you all the best for the future. x

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