I haven't seen my sister in three weeks now. I can't even call or text my Dad, because I'm horrified by the mere prospect that he might ask me to go over to his house. I can't go there because my sister is there and being around here is a complete nightmare of horrible, disgusting, soul-breaking mental images. She's only five, she has no idea why her big sis suddenly isn't around anymore. I hate this so, so, so much. I usually don't indulge in fantasies of not having OCD, because it's such a futile daydream and it only makes things worse, but right now? I wish so much that I could be right in the head and just be the awesome, normal big sister I'm supposed to be.
 

So I'm trapped at my Mom's house, where my brother is all the time. The thoughts are less horrible, because he's not a fucking preschooler at least, but I'm still not okay with this at all. Not in the slightest. He's still my loser little brother who I helped raise, and I really could have gone through life perfectly happy without having ever thought all this disgusting shit. Really. And now my Mom is out of town so it's just me hanging out with him over the weekend. Great. Just what I always wanted, to have what would otherwise be fun quality time ruined by OCD.

 

I feel completely shitty and worthless, wrung out and used, like these thoughts have hollowed out a space in me and packed it with filth. I feel violated. I feel like something important and sacred to me, the love I have for my family, has been uprooted and defiled. It's getting really hard for me not to judge myself, morally, for these stupid obsessions. I know it's not me, that it's not what I want at all, that the OCD is just fucking with me because it "knows" that this is one of my weak spots. I know, I know, I know. But I can't make myself believe it, as usual, because of that one tiny little speck of self-doubt that is constantly, constantly searching, waiting, for any kind of justification.

 

My Klonopin doesn't work at all if I take it more than three times a week (stupid high tolerance) so I'm basically going through my non-Klonopin days by trying to keep and stay distracted at all times, on-edge and constantly disgusted, and then drinking too much whenever I can get my hands on any alcohol. It's not a good coping mechanism at all. I'd start praying compulsively but my gods are brothers and I don't even want to go there.

 

tl;dr I really fucking hate OCD.

 

I have also been reassurance-seeking like crazy. I'm like a dope fiend for reassurance. Please don't give it to me, no matter how hard I beg.

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