First of all, this isn't my main blog. My main blog is contained over at http://rhyknowsart.blogspot.com My blogs there are fairly regular (I try for one every day), and cover a wide array of subjects from my state of mind, to culture and poetry.
Well, what a truly shitty night last night was.
There's kind of a very long history to this that dates back to around September-time at… you guessed it, the start of this school year.
Hun hun, where to begin? Well, it was a friend's birthday on Monday. While she may not know it (or rather, may not realize it), I consider her to be a very close friend, even though I have only known her for a short time. Thursday (today) was a bank holiday, meaning we had no school, so I asked her if she wanted to go to the local pub for a drink or two to celebrate the big 18, and she said yeah, she'd love to come. I went there with another mate and waited for a bit, she eventually showed up with her boyfriend and a friend of hers.
Things were cool for a bit, the beer was horrible though. Anyways, after a while they all went out to smoke a joint. For half a goddamn hour. Leaving me to wonder where the hell everyone was.
Fuck it, I'm socially inept from having spent five years in the middle of freakin' nowhere back in Italy, where I didn't socialize at all outside of school. Basically this has left me with an incredibly warped sense of reality; I have divided my life into two sections:
- Academic life, a world of do's and dont's where I maintain an artificial façade in order to fit in with the people around me. Anybody on the outside of this would see me as a 'normal' person by their standards. This has also leaked into my social life.
- My personal life. The real me.
The thing is, they're two majorly contrasted personalities. When I am alone in my bedroom, as I am now, I am constantly thinking, imagining, wondering. My thoughts are all jumbled up, and I find it incredibly hard to focus on one specific thing. Think of it as turning a radio dial, where you have a really bad transmission but as you turn the dial you get through garbled dialogue from certain frequencies. Well, that's more or less what's going on in my head twenty four seven, so much so that it's hard to sleep. I've started to develop a few ways to relax and steer myself towards a state of sleep and relaxation; but those are in very early stages at the moment.
One can't help but feel trapped in this button-down world. I don't fit in with anyone; I'm constantly reevaluating myself and trying to find a way to shape and mold myself to fit other people's expectations. I would bend over backwards for some people, and I have a feeling they exploit that (albeit not deliberately) for their own use.
At the moment my current state of mind verges from jubilant to philosophical to horribly depressed. I constantly have small 'epiphanies' of what I should say to people; tell them exactly what I think of them, then wake up in the morning wondering what possessed me to come up with such a ridiculous idea.
From reading this, you probably think that I'm a complete and utter mess at the moment, and to be honest you're not far off. But I can't help think there's some sort of logic hidden behind this, mainly because I like a world where every little fait can be attributed and explained to some form of rigid logic, leaving no room for deviation. Hell, as I'm typing this I'm writing without really thinking of what I'm saying. Some say that makes damn good therapy for a busy mind such as mine, so I'll continue talking because I could really do with letting it out.
Sure, I feel rejected by this girl, but also confused. I sometimes get the feeling that she's flirting with me in some way, shape or form, but since I've become so inept at telling; I can't really decipher what it means. I don't want to give out the wrong impression about her, she's one of the only people I have never had anything negative to say about. But it's all so goddamn confusing. Hell, man is a confusing animal. And that's what we are; animals. We're not special, we're not unique. We fuck, shit and gorge ourselves like all the other animals out there. Even in our perceived superiority, we share it as a common trait with other animals; the constant need to be superior, at the top of the food chain. And when we've beaten all the other species of animal, we fight within our own species. Maybe the world would be better without us.