I can tell that I am really needing some meds. Thinks are happening in my life that I KNOW I would normally be very happy, proud, excited…etc…about yet all I feel is the pain and hopelessness. Something is so very wrong. Normally I can affect my mood by supplements or exercise or sunlight or any of the other things I have used to control this depression in the past. There have been a few times in the past that I should have been on meds before but I just couldnt trust the therapist enough to really tell her what was going on inside. This time I was able to tell her enough. Meds are going to be coming and I sure hope they help and that I can afford them.
Years ago I tried to be honest with my husband about my darkness. It scared him and he didnt handle it well. So I havent ever really told him anything either. Now that it looks like we wont be getting divorced and will be working things out…..I tried a few times to tell him. It hasnt went well but after the therapy session he has been more receptive. Last night I told him quite a bit. Not all, not the suicide stuff…..but quite a bit. He took it very well and its been arelief to be able to let him know.
We got our house and slept there last night (on the floor). We have our camper here and it has all the linens and pillows and sofa cushions in it. Today I need to find the motivation to make a few appointments and unload the camper. Tonight after work the hubby is going to swing by the storage units and load up boxes in our big vehicle. We'll move everything with the u-hauls on Saturday.
This house is so dirty but I havent been able to clean it. This is not like me at all. I've never been so low that I would sit down and suddenly realize its been 2 hours since I moved. I'm not even doing anything, just sort of staring and sitting. It feels like 10 min but its always a lot lot longer. It also takes me forever to do things. Something like folding towels used to take 10-15 min. Now I cant get it done in less than half an hour. I keep forgetting things so I rarely finish things. My concentration is completely shot and thats never ever been this bad before either.
The suicidal thoughts are constant now too and its been over a year since I had that happen. lol definitely time for meds and help.
My kids have been great today. They think I am ill…..like with a cold or something and I havent really told them otherwise. They got themselves ready and have helped me a few times when I seem to get stuck or forget something. Makes me cry that I cant be their mommy today.
I've never been someone who could journal but this has been helping. Even if I dont get a comment (but I always do and always appreciate them) it seems to take a little weight off of me. I've always been so guarded, since I was little. I guess I have never experienced the benefits of sharing something personal before. Thanks to all of you who have helped me to open up a bit. Its been helping hold me together the last few days.