I can tell that I am really needing some meds. Thinks are happening in my life that I KNOW I would normally be very happy, proud, excited…etc…about yet all I feel is the pain and hopelessness. Something is so very wrong. Normally I can affect my mood by supplements or exercise or sunlight or any of the other things I have used to control this depression in the past. There have been a few times in the past that I should have been on meds before but I just couldnt trust the therapist enough to really tell her what was going on inside. This time I was able to tell her enough. Meds are going to be coming and I sure hope they help and that I can afford them.

Years ago I tried to be honest with my husband about my darkness. It scared him and he didnt handle it well. So I havent ever really told him anything either. Now that it looks like we wont be getting divorced and will be working things out…..I tried a few times to tell him. It hasnt went well but after the therapy session he has been more receptive. Last night I told him quite a bit. Not all, not the suicide stuff…..but quite a bit. He took it very well and its been arelief to be able to let him know.

We got our house and slept there last night (on the floor). We have our camper here and it has all the linens and pillows and sofa cushions in it. Today I need to find the motivation to make a few appointments and unload the camper. Tonight after work the hubby is going to swing by the storage units and load up boxes in our big vehicle. We'll move everything with the u-hauls on Saturday.

This house is so dirty but I havent been able to clean it. This is not like me at all. I've never been so low that I would sit down and suddenly realize its been 2 hours since I moved. I'm not even doing anything, just sort of staring and sitting. It feels like 10 min but its always a lot lot longer. It also takes me forever to do things. Something like folding towels used to take 10-15 min. Now I cant get it done in less than half an hour. I keep forgetting things so I rarely finish things. My concentration is completely shot and thats never ever been this bad before either.

The suicidal thoughts are constant now too and its been over a year since I had that happen. lol definitely time for meds and help.

My kids have been great today. They think I am ill…..like with a cold or something and I havent really told them otherwise. They got themselves ready and have helped me a few times when I seem to get stuck or forget something. Makes me cry that I cant be their mommy today.

I've never been someone who could journal but this has been helping. Even if I dont get a comment (but I always do and always appreciate them) it seems to take a little weight off of me. I've always been so guarded, since I was little. I guess I have never experienced the benefits of sharing something personal before. Thanks to all of you who have helped me to open up a bit. Its been helping hold me together the last few days.

2 Comments
  1. aloneforevernew 9 years ago

    I've been through that feeling in highschool where thing's you used to enjoy, you just now feel frustration from something being missing from. It's a normal thing though, telling you that something isn't right to do with your lifestyle, the only problem is you have to work it out non your own. I'm sure my concentration and memory is worse than yours. I learnt to not see myself as something broken, but something that i wasn't taking care of properly. Be kinder to yourself. Your mind is more intelligent than you and it will make you feel whatever it needs without mercy to make you change a situation that is harming it (just like normal pain), even if you don't know. What is it that your missing? You should stop once in a while and listen to your feelings untill you realise what it is. You'll know because they'll completely dissapear and you'll be able to sleep really good. I think staying off the pills is a good thing. Why not get therapy instead? I really hope you live a healthier lifestyle instead of going on pills. It has been proven that excercise eases depression massively, maybe you could run the dog or kids? Going abroad where it's sunny changes some people a lot too.

    tip: being a vegetarian was the last step in curing my depression (it takes about 3 weeks to start feeling the effects), although i still have crippling anxiety and other probs which is why i stay on here.

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  2. borntired 9 years ago

    am right there with you. my kids also think i am sick, i can only imagine what the people at church think when they keep praying for my illness, and most don't realize it is a mental illness.

    i told my husband today a bit more too, we are going in for joint counseling on tuesday, on one hand i don't want to give up my time, but on the other i guess he needs to know what is really going on

    i believe my meds are giving stomach pains….don't know what to do about that, because i think they are helping

    although today the suicide thoughts came back after being gone for a month

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