sorry I’ve been gone so long folks. I got turned off a bit from the site, not because it isn’t good but because I tend to crawl into a fetus and shield myself from life sometimes. If things aren’t perfect then it’s as if I have to rid myself of everything-even the good things. lately I’ve been doing pretty crappy, but I’m sure you all can relate to that! it’s just this obsession with passing as male in public, the utter dissapointment of not being able to pee standing up without leaking all over myself…I’m afraid someone will hear me peeing in a stall sitting down. these things may not make sense to you, but as a transgendered person it is my life as of now. I made the decision to live fully as male, as much as possible and at the college. I pass just fine, but I am still so self-concious and obsessed with having a completely flat chest and no signs of femeninity whatsoever. binding hurts, it’s sweaty and just plain sucks. i’ve been turning all of these things around in my mind over and over until I feel so sick I want to throw up. The sad thing is, if I go through surgery and hormones with this same outlook and attitude, I don’t think I’ll be much happier (save for looking 100% male). My dad is totally against this. He plays guilt trips and tries to compare my gender identity to getting a tattoo, or losing his hair. I know :dizzy: I’m seeing a new therapist who is really great, and last semester I pulled all A’s. I’ve been having the urge to go through all my clothes and pick out the ones I’ll wear and pack up the others and put them out into the shed, and then go through everything in my room. A lot of the time, which I probably will do tonight because I have no energy, I just put stuff in a neat and pleasant looking stack, and even though it’s not categorized or orderly, it still looks good. I can’t stand it when things don’t look perfect! It drives me nuts…sometimes my room looks like a hoarders’, but other times it looks decent. I wish I could make things look perfect, but damn thats so impossible, you know? Yeah. I’m finding out that pretty much everybody on the f*&%ing planet is accepting of me being transgendered except for my parents (and possibly grandparents, not sure). How tragic is that? My sister is okay, even though she cried. She’s still gonna be there for me. I want so badly to move up to Arcata already and finish my AA at the College of the Redwoods, but their classes are so different from down here, it would be all messed up. I have to wait until the fall of 2008 to attend Humboldt State. When I move there I never want to return to this town. I just want to finish my schooling so I can be a writer/publisher/journalist/teacher, find a steady paying job during the summers (perhaps that pays under the table *IRS I’m just joking*), do the real life test as living male full time for a year and then get top surgery and my Testosterone! The only doubts I have are because I hate that this is my life, and that it has all come down to this. But I feel like I may never live a full and happy life without transitioning. It may change, but for now that is how I feel, doubts aside. The freak factor also keeps me doubting. Because most people don’t really want to be a freak. They want to be “normal.” I don’t want to look into the mirror and see a monster, but I already do, and I haven’t done anything yet. I know I’m not really that bad looking underneath my clothes, but couldn’t this body have been someone elses? You know, I had to convince my parents that I had OCD. No one should ever have to do that. They thought I was acting out and trying to find an excuse for my behavior and mistakes. I f*@%ed up so many times because I was freaking miserable my whole life. I still am, but I’ve learned so much from messing up that now I have a map to guide me. Parents can be wonderful people, but they can also be your worst enemies. Peace be with you all, and I hope to remain an active member once again.

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