Things have been so bad in my head and heart lately. I’ve become totally wrapped up in all this worry, fear and self-hatred that I completely forgot that this site even existed and that it is here to support this community I’m a part of. So I’m back, and I’m writing about my thoughts once again…not to bore you on purpose, of course. I keep thinking about past friends I had and then dumped, instead of just keeping in touch fair-weather like which would have been much better because then I wouldn’t be so damn alone. One person I decided not to contact again because of my obsession with them, which I have to say was probably the right thing to do. I did however contact a friend that I haven’t talked to for a while and she is very nice so I am happy about that. But I’ve been going over in my mind all these people I’ve met in the past and then abandoned because they changed or I changed or I just decided to crawl into a hole or because I didn’t think they matched my “personality.” I can’t get past this feeling of being so utterly ugly. I always think of what others want to see instead of what I like, but the truth is that I hate everything that I wear, every style I could come up with because I’m still the one wearing the clothes. So I know something’s wrong with that. Since my last psychologist died I haven’t found a new one, I stopped taking all of my medications and now my OCD has gotten really bad again which is why this blog is so f*cked and I’m sure you haven’t gotten this far. I made an appointment to see a nurse about taking something for depression because it’s been so bad. All I’m doing right now is going to school and it should be fun but I’ve found a way yet again to be miserable. If any of you reading this are genderqueer or benders or a variation of the two then you know how hard it can be to find yourself amongst a world of what seems to be sexually black and white, although I know that isn’t really the case. My parents want to see a version of me that has been but has gone away, and I think about changing back to that person but I have such a strong feeling that it would be a lie that I can’t bring myself to do that, and also a lot of people in this small town would see that change and well I know that doesn’t matter but I feel like I used to be a certain kind of female, and now I’m lost. When i’m with other women who are like me (the me now) I am so happy and comfortable, but outside that bubble or community I’m so lost. I want to live on my own and do things for myself and have an independent life but I’m so horrified of doing it alone. I let my fear of confrontations and judgments and public eyes control me and I let my ashamed feelings for who and what I am get the best of those ideas. I don’t know that I’m really happy at home. I don’t know how to live any other way though. I’ve been homeless by choice and that was scary as hell. I’m still alive but I’m not living. Since I ran away and then got into drugs, became addicted then got arrested, I’m still unhappy and having the same damn problems I had before. Is it really possible for some drug to stop this destructive way of thinking or of the same thoughts or downward spiralling of depressiveness? I’ve heard UC Davis has a good psychiatric group. Do I have to move away from my parents to find myself? Probably. How am I going to do that? I am always looking for a crutch so that it won’t be as hard, but everything is hard. Because I make it that way. I’m a little afraid to go to school or live in Sacramento because it has a bigger city mentality and more crime. If I attend Humboldt State I’ll be 7 hours away from where I am now. Maybe that would be a good thing? But they don’t have a Vet Tech program. Just biology majors and zoology. I ask myself these questions every day, all day long and I just get sick and I want to break down and cry because I can’t get through the day without having this breakdown. It’s the same thing everyday, and if you pay attention to my blogs, it’s always the same thing I write about. It has to be the result of my OCD. Why else would I keep going around in circles like this? Nothing anyone says changes my mind longer than ten minutes. Well, If anyone’s still reading, thank you.

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