So if things weren't already bad enough… my dad came by to collect his posessions today so my sister and I took our dog to the park so we didn't have to see our dad… so that added some stress on me, probably some anxiety too, but I don't really feel it, like I have said before I feel numb for the most part, almost emotionless, I do feel angry to a point but even that is just numb to a point if it makes sense, I may have suppressed my emotions subconciously I don't know it worries me, I feel like my mind is always on the harm OCD thoughts they just keep coming and I can't get my mind off it, it worries me, especially because of this numbness. Am I sociopath, psychopath, sexual sadist etc.? I just keep thinking about these terms and whether they relate to me, it almost feels like I'm trying to convince myself I am… but I am not, I have never been like those kinds of people….I hate this, I'm so angry about it, but to top it off, here is the big thing, so I said before my brother has caused so much shit over the past six months here is an example that just happened tonight…. my brother went with my mom to get groceries, (he has been grounded from going out because of his actions) and he was bugging my mom about letting him off his punishment but she was standing firm in her choice and my brother was like "All I talk about in at my counselling sessionsis how much I hate you and how you make my life miserable, oh and for your information I am still drinking and smoking weed" and my brother said this aloud in the grocery store, in front of a ton of people….. and when I heard he said it I did feel anger but then I was like why am I not more angry? I should be sad as well? or at least upset? why am not feeling like everybody else would feel?…. everything feels so confusing for me, I am worried I am going to just snap one day and shut down…. I feel like I need to leave my home but at the same time I don't wanna leave my mom and my dog, but I'm losing myself, my identity, I'm hearbroken and lost I don't know what to do anymore..

2 Comments
  1. laurzaffle 7 years ago

    Wish I had some good advice for you. It seems like you might be stressed out right now not just because of OCD but because of the other events going on. Sometimes stress makes OCD worse. Maybe trying to destress yourself will help. Read a book or go out try to distract yourself from your brain and the thoughts. It helps me a lot. I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. Mommaofthree 7 years ago

    I have this same problem. It's hell on earth in our minds , I know. Please take comfort in knowing that the people who do these things don't suffer from OCD . ( I bet your brain just said , well maybe I don't have ocd then) my mind does that too. The numbness you feel is what I feel often because we have been through so many questions and situations and urges in our minds that the thoughts don't surprise us anymore. So anger kind of moves in instead of sadness. I myself feel like a drug addict most days. But instead of hunting for drugs, I am hunting for reasurance that I am not evil. That I will not snap and kill someone, or hurt someone in any way. When I cry- Even just a few tears I feel relief and relax fora few minutes. In my opinion, we have been through so much torture in our minds that we are hardened a little …. Harm ocd is horrid. Wouldn't wish it on anyone but you aren't alone and you wouldn't even have the mindset to be on here or look for help f you were psycho. 

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