The lyrics to this song fit me:
"So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention. And you know how much I need you, but you never even see me do you?"
"You wanted me to change, so I changed for you, and I want you to know that you'll always get your way"
"From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side, just you try and stop me. I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care"
It'll never happen it seems. My ex has moved on, it burns, it hurts, I can't sleep at night, I scream I cry I want to send her a million messages, begging, pleading, asking why, wondering what to do. But what good does it do other than to cause stress and pain to the one person I want to be happy more than anything in the world?
I love her, I know I love her, and I always will, and my heart may always be broken, but I'd rather be broken and believe in romance. Perhaps it's foolish and miserable but I want to believe love is a real thing. I feel like maybe it's just chemicals and hormones and memories, but I want to believe in it.
I guess it's stupid and childish but I want to fight for love, even if it's just from me. I don't care what anyone says about her because I know the girl who stood and fought for me and kept me and dragged me out of the mud of my life. She may not be there anymore but I remember her and I will always be loyal to that person.
I suppose it's human nature to be selfish, to say why can't she be mine, why can't she have picked me? But if anything this will drive me. I'll be even better, even if I've already changed, I'll clean up my life and be someone she'd be proud to be with. Even if I can never be with her, I want to make the memory of the girl I remember proud.
Right now I'm 22, almost 23, I'm lonely, I'm scared, but I'll be okay. I have a job that pays $40k a year, finishing a degree, moving into my own place. I have big scary life changes ahead but I'll handle them, and I'll be someone great. This I'm determined to be. I don't care if I don't make a lot of money or have career success, if I can share music with people, if I can somehow make myself mean something to someone, i'll be happy.
If my dear love ever sees this, I really hope that she isn't ashamed of me for how pathetic I've become. I always wanted romance, I've always been a one girl kind of guy, desperately wanted that special connection, for first love, to the end. If it doesn't work, such is life. I'd rather be loyal to that and stick to my principles.
