I have lost count of how many different psychologists, therapists and counselors I have seen. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I guess I'm going to have to be blunt with him and say my medications aren't working. I feel so…stuck. I don't have the guts to end my life, I am trying to find answers with religion and the hospital isn't an option either. I need something…hope I guess or a promise that it will get better (though I seriously doubt I'd believe anyone who said it will get better. No offense.)
My psychiatrist wants me to go back to the same school…I can see the pros and cons of that but the one con I focus on is the fact it is an hour away from home. I feel like if I were to find a school closer to home, it would be easier to keep a therapist (my psychiatrist isn't a problem).
I feel like if I don't get married or have kids, I will have nothing to live for…twisted I know. I should fight for my family but I just don't feel the love. I know it is there with some members but I still don't feel it. I told my aunt why I had quit school–through email. I couldn't bring myself to discuss it verbally–that was last night. She hasn't called or emailed me…I know she got the email because she got the message I left her about it.
Maybe I am not meant to live a long life (I wouldn't call my life full either but I doubt it will ever be). I hope this new person can help me. I wish I could say I was optimistic but it would be a lie.
I hear stories of people who have been "touched" by God…I would think He would want us who are depressed or suffering to know He was there or even cared. There is ONE passage in the Bible about depression (that is very comforting…not).
Oh well I guess I'll just kill time before I decide to sleep a few hours of my life away…my hope and positive outlook are long gone.