June 28, 2013
Sitting here writing this and once again finding myself alone, betrayed, kicked the street and spat on by someone whom I thought was supposed to be a friend. I guess it was revenge for me deleting her from my friends list and telling her that she was too negative all the time. My So (significant other) tells me that it’s nothing to worry about, she was an online friend and besides that she has always been a little on the flakey side. However, the goings on of recent times has begun to make me wonder about something. Let’s be honest, I am not the pathetic victim that is constantly taken advantage of and used and then discarded. I can’t really believe that every single person whom I have met is out to get me; it’s a little ridiculous that I would actually think that. So I have to ask myself, what exactly am I doing that eventually pushes these people away? This last time I was told that I said some really mean and hurtful things to this person. She always asked me for total honesty and I thought that that was what I was giving her. I told her that the negative posts on her profile were upsetting to me, that I was trying to fill my life with more positive things and to sign onto my page and see her news feed that was constantly bombarded with hateful, negative, nasty and snide remarks about people was starting to get me down. I told her that I didn’t want to end our friendship; I just didn’t want to see her page anymore. I didn’t tell her that she herself was negative, just her page but evidently that was how she took it. For the life of me I can’t understand how this upset her, why she would be so insulted over something as stupid as her facebook account. Regardless, I apologized to her and told her that I made a mistake and then I went out of my way to please her. I was overly nice, I complimented her daily and was conscious of her life and issues and troubles. Once, a few months before this, she told me that I was not much of a friend, that I needed to be more concerned about her, that I needed to ask how her kids were, how she was doing, how her boy friend was etc. I told her I was sorry, I just figured she would tell me if there was a problem she wanted to talk about. That angered her because I am supposed to know when she is upset. There were times that she got upset and left the chat room without a word. In my mind, she wanted to be alone. I thought that if she wanted to talk, she would have messaged me. She knows more than one way to get a hold. She even has my phone number and can call any time she wanted, so I figured I would give her some space and if she needed a shoulder to cry on, she would come to me. Nope, she was angry again with me because I didn’t chase her down, throw my arms around her and beg her to tell me why she was so distraught, who it was that would cause her so much pain and do I need to hunt him down and beat him to a pulp.
See, this is where I have problems relating to people. I don’t read minds; I don’t even read emotions very well. If you are sad, and want to talk then tell me. I can’t sit there and play head games when I am supposed to guess what is wrong and I have an even worse time trying to figure out how to react to it. Playing the martyr and running away dramatically expecting me to run after you doesn’t work for me because when I want to be alone, I go off alone. If I say I want to be alone, I really mean it. If I say I am fine or okay, there is no deep hidden message in that, I am really fine or Okay. Why does someone say that their fine and then get mad at me for not probing him or her for information on why they are clearly not fine?
I don’t get this, I am crying inside and no one knows but me stuff. My emotions are very raw and to the point. If am angry I yell, sad I cry, happy I smile and laugh, disappointed I frown, horny…well I won’t get into that one lol.
My emotions are basic, there is no in between. But then I have come across people that come up to me and ask me how I am and I say, I’m horrible and they ask why and I proceed to tell them why only they don’t really care, they were just making small talk. In my opinion, if you don’t care, don’t ask me.
Sometimes people talk to me and they want a response, they want an emotional outburst or they want me to show some sign that I am human and I get so overwhelmed by their display of emotions that I don’t know how to react. I find myself going into this hypnotic state where I find a spot on the wall or out the window and I focus on it, drowning out all the rest of the world, a calm and quiet comes over me and I find out later that I stood or sat there motionless, staring at the same spot for several minutes. Apparently, this is not what is considered “normal” behavior.
Recently, the issue with my so called friend has been that she no longer wants anything to do with me because of something that happened at home. I had an argument with my teenage son and told him that I was sick of his behavior and his being rude to me all the time. He told me that he hated me and that he wished he had never met me and then he said that he wanted to call children’s services on me so that they would take him away and put him in a foster family or in a group home till he turns eight-teen and can move out on his own.
Frustrated, I told him if that was what he wanted then fine. I told him to call children’s services and go to a foster family; maybe they could handle him better than I can. Well he told the friend of mine this, and she flipped out. She told me that she was disgusted that I would tell him that. She told me that I use my depression as a crutch, that I don’t care about anyone but me, that I don’t want to help myself and she can’t help me anymore, that I upset her. She complained that I have changed since I met her and she doesn’t understand why I am pushing people away from me. I agree I have changed, I stopped drinking, I have stopped taking so many pain killers and am trying to find other ways to deal with stressors in my life. I have matured and grown up and refuse to act like a fool anymore for other peoples entertainment. I Have started to accept who I am and not allow others to bring me down because of it, I have started taking responsibility for my actions and my words and I have started to think before I say and do things. I don’t have much tolerance for things that I find immature or idiotic. A few years ago I would have been the first to jump naked into a pool of jell-o wearing a tiara on my head. I look back at who I was then and I am ashamed of that man. Is it a bad thing that I have changed so much? I feel that I have changed for the better. I am trying to be a better man, a better partner, father and son. I want to spend more time with my kids and I want to do more around my house and not spend so much time just sitting on the internet in a chat room and basically wasting my time. I’m taking my medication and I am doing the therapy and basically doing what I was told I have to do to keep on track. If my “friend” doesn’t like who I am now then maybe she really isn’t a great friend to have around because it seems to me that she liked me better when I was a mindless jerk. What upsets me is that she says I’m not trying, as if she knows what I do from day to day, what I am like outside of the chat room. She complains that I say I am stressed out, I use that as an excuse for my behavior, and it’s not fair because many people are stressed out. True, many people are stressed out but everyone deals with stress differently and at times I feel like my entire life is falling apart, I chose not to share that with her though because I feel that it is personal and anyway, if I bitch and moan about my life she says I am attention seeking. Then she comes down on me for not telling her when I am having issues at home and she constitutes that to my not wanting help. It’s a situation where I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Another reason I choose not to tell her things is because she goes behind my back and talks about me to my son, my partner and other people in the chat room, then she lies about it. Well, they have shown me what she wrote and it upsets me that she would do that. Things I tell her in confidence she blabs to others. This issue with my son, she told to several people on line who then came to me and asked me what was going on and at the time I had no idea that she even knew about it! Why would she tell all of them before even coming to me and talking to me about it? The next thing I know she sends me an e-mail telling me all of this and that she is done with me and doesn’t want to be in my life anymore, then she goes and tells my son that she was shocked that after she sent me that e-mail I never tried to contact her to explain myself to her. Why should I? She made up her mind, she told me she wanted me out of her life, so I respected that and left it alone. Today I noticed that she sent me a friends request on facebook after she deleted me lol. I declined it because I figured she just wanted to explain to me further, why I was a horrible friend.
I’m just not in the mood to listen to her drama anymore, I don’t really care at this point. She says that I push people away, that I have done this to myself and that I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Well, the same goes for her. She can’t be a friend to my face then talk about me behind my back and cause problems with my relationships. She made the comment that I seem more depressed since I got with my current partner, that’s when I started to change in her eyes. Odd, because my partner says that I seem less depressed and more together since I stopped talking to this friend of mine. Maybe my partner has been good for me and my so called friend doesn’t like that I really don’t need her anymore.
But I still wonder, is my bad past relationships, inability to read people’s emotions and my own lack of emotional response a sign of something more than just generalized depression? I am seriously starting to wonder if I am a sociopath or something close to it. I’m not saying that I am a serial killer or that I want to go out and murder people, but I am really starting to wonder if I just can’t relate to people well because I literally don’t have any emotions, or don’t know how to use them. It’s a scary thought but there has to be a reason that so many people have come and gone in my life and most have accused me of being cold, distant and self centered. I know I don’t get along well with most people; I have low tolerance and am quickly annoyed or frustrated. I really prefer at times to be alone and I have never really been great in personal relationships. My partner and I get along good because he knows when to leave me alone, he can tell when I want to be intimate and when I don’t. He doesn’t get upset with me either when I want to be alone; he doesn’t feel insulted because he understand that it’s just how I am. No one else has really ever understood this. I can get upset and walk away from my partner and he understands that it is just because I need time to myself where other people just think I am being rude. I guess these are things that I can bring up with my therapist, I think I am just worried that if my therapist or doctor thinks that I am too unhinged that they will take my kids away from me. So how would I be able to bring up my fears without really getting my therapist thinking that I need to be in a straight jacket and locked in a padded cell?