It’s a nice cool cloudy morning — or rather midday — and I can’t get out of bed. I should have awoken at 6:30am to get to my 9 am class on philosophy. I did wake up but the prospects of taking a bus for 1h40min, sitting in lecture for 2hrs then having a nap/lunch break, then going to another lecture for 2 hrs and then right after a third one for 2hrs. Also IJ planned a study group for our midterm tomorrow…. I just can’t.

I can’t. I did yesterday. I went and pretended that everything was fine. But I fucking can’t. The thought of going outside petrifies me. I can’t sit myself and concentrate. I have to study. I have to get to class. I have to get a grip on myself. I have to and I can’t. I know if I make myself go outside, I will break down in tears on the street. I know because I’ve tried it. All of this makes me very anxious, exacerbating the situation. Now I can’t calm down and relax to do even the simplest things.

I’m freaking out. On the previous midterm I got a B, so I have to do very well on this one. I have to get an A in that class because it’s important for my major. I feel the same way as last November.

Veteran’s day 2008. I stayed at home instead of going to the library to study. I know very well I can’t study at home. It was a Tuesday too. I had midterms the next day and on Thursday. I can’t describe how I felt. The same way I feel now. I also went online looking for help and spend the entire day in a Self-Injury Chat instead of studying. A person there suggested calling for professional help. I did, getting as far a voicemail which was never returned. The next day, after the first exam to which I was an hour late, as I was walking home from the bus stop, I suddenly broke down and started crying right in the middle of the parking lot. I don’t remember my train of thoughts: I only remember waiting for a miraculous phone call — for somebody, anybody — just to ask me how I was. I was waiting for him to call, or even my mom. But the phone never rang. And the thought of complete and utter abandonment crushed me to dust. I went home, packed my pills and razors, and went to bed. The next morning I woke up very calm. My head was clear and thoughtless. I had a goal to take the last exam and go on with my death.

I know that thoughts of death calm me. When I’ve made the decision, I can finally relax.

The possibility of repeating the same scenario petrifies me. I’m really really scared. People advise me to talk. Who can I talk to? What would I tell? "Mommy, I want to kill myself"? "I can’t deal with life’s pressure because I’m a pathetic weak human being, so now you have to deal with me and my whining"?

2 Comments
  1. redhead20 15 years ago

    hi,

    I feel really weird commenting on your life..but I can”t imagine the pressure you feel with midterms while you”re dealing with all this. You put so much pressure on yourself to get good grades! Which I can understand, but maybe if you feel weird telling your mom about your suicidal feelings…maybe instead you could tell her how hard it is to cope with midterms..and maybe she could help you there with taking off some of that stress of getting to class, idk. Maybe this is the wrong advice, but I also feel comforted having a plan to kill myself..it makes me feel less pressure, because I don”t have to think about how I”m going to deal with all the shit that is/will go on in my life…but I hope no matter what you wil, in the end, stay safe. take care and I hope midterms go well

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  2. RandyLee 15 years ago

    Your experience last year…

    I had one exactly like that this fall. I managed to call my sister… I broke down on the phone. I couldn”t say much but I called and that”s what it took to get things moving. The next week my sister flew up… she helped hospitalize me the following weekend and got the treatment I needed, moved to Cali and havn”t look back yet.

    You are not alone. Stress has pushed me to places I never want to go to again. Trust me when I say you can control your emotions and prevent these terrible experiences from happening… it takes work but I can tell you what I was taught if you are interested.

    Good luck with your exam… I”ve got one of my own that I have to try and get through this week so I feel your pain.

    Randy

    p.s. How are you?

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