I do things compulsively, but is this really OCD? I don't check the locks 20 times before bed, and I don't flip light switches on and off in a ritualistic manner before I leave the bathroom. I do, however, pull out my hair, strand at a time, in order to twist it around my fingers and break it into smaller pieces (this just started in the last year). I chew my fingernails until my fingertips ache the next day. That I've been doing for as long as I can remember. And I eat, and I eat, and I eat. I have to eat in increments. If it's cookies or candies, I eat in even numbers–twos, fours, eights. Even if cookies sound unappetizing because I've already eaten so many, if there are two left I'll eat them because I know I won't stop until they're gone. I've always had weight problems. I was heavy growing up and lost about 60 pounds in high school. But, with my new-found slenderness, I went overboard in order to maintain. I didn't eat sugar for 13 months. I didn't drink any soda (regular or diet) for about 3 years. I would challenge myself to see how long I could go without eating period. When I knew I couldn't be anorexic because I just love food too much, bulimia was the obvious choice. I did that for awhile until I was caught by my mom. Once I moved away to college, I drastically cut back my eating. I would have one sandwich a day. Light white bread with turkey and maybe a slice of cheese, onion, and mustard. I would get stomach cramps every day after dinner because my body wasn't used to food. I would weigh myself multiple times a day. That went on for almost a year. Now I just inhale food–hungry or not–and I just keep going back to food because i love the experience of tasting and chewing, the textures and the flavors. I look forward to times when I know I'll be alone at home so that I can eat without having to be embarrassed or accountable for how much I eat.
I guess what I'm saying is, I don't feel like I have a "disorder;" I just feel like I don't have any will-power. Which makes me feel even worse about how I eat, how I can't resist chewing my fingernails or pulling out my hair. I don't want to be an overweight, nub-fingered, balding woman…logically. But my behaviors say otherwise. I want to control it but I don't know how to. But that sounds so stupid because the only way to control it is to not do destructive things to myself, obviously. So, is this OCD? I don't know, but I do know I have compulsive tendencies. Any advice on how to manage any of the above?