Noyone knows what one feels, ever. Nor will anyone else care for ones feelings and struggles. Human beings were left to survive by themselves, so why would anyone care what a single person feels? If they feel or not? This dilema has kept me up numerous nights, at times I would lose track of time and my own perception of my own being (but thats a whole other issue that I\'m looking into, heard that its "disassociation") , thinking, replaying situtations, decisions I should have made, and pretty much how I suck at life. I know everyone goes through this. I am typing this and not knowing what I will type next, just typing away in a crap of a keyboard and computer. Key after key while the world revolves and minds rott each more than the one before. I haven\'t had an anxious "episode" for a while, because I try very hard not to rant for a long time or well not just sit and not do anything for which I\'m famous for in my own world. As whoever is reading this can see that I tend to just blab out random quips of thoughts, that is how I am I dont know why I do it. The point of all this is that well…I have no idea, see I love words, I grew up with little communication so I guess thats the root of all this blabber.

   This will be a quick description of my anxiety "episode" when I do go through one, I don\'t know of anyone who gets these but here goes… I feel my gums, hands itch, I feel like something quivering inside my skin on my wrists and hands and thus I clench my hands very tightly, and clench my jaw and grind my teeth (I have now learned that  now I grind my teeth at night which is fucking up my teeth) , then I feel the inner screams begin to rise, but I don\'t scream…I\'m afraid to scream since last time I did, my throat was irritated and burned for a whole weak not to mention my knuckles were scabed and bruised for that same week. Thank goodness I have my boxing bag, too bad I dont put gloves on because well who would think of that while your gums are itching and one feels like tearing apart…because of this I cant feel certain nerves of my handsand sometimes they pulse and hurt my muscles. I\'ve had laughing fits through clenched teeth which really freaks out my mom. I dont have much of the hair pulling anymore, soo greatful for that.

So there it was…I had never described it in soo much detail before. Shit…that was something else. I feel like a dumbass since I know that an "episode" can be soo much worse and here I am whinning. But I really wanted to get that out there, out in oblivion.

@>~~~ Sapphire


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