I actually feel good! It feels great to not be tense, stressed, & feeling calm. Just looking at my mood map you can tell for almost 4 weeks now it’s been a rollar coaster for my anxiety & depression. After having therapy last week my mind is focused on self care & keeping my anxiety low.
Usually the anxiety triggers the depression, which makes me go in a week or two episodes of depression helping anxiety making me go crazy. My therapist reminded me anxiety & depression isn’t my fault… It’s difficult for me at times to realize that. Since middle school age I never told, or maybe even realized myself that I was starting to experience anxiety & depression. I remember my 1st attempt at self harm. I didn’t go through with it, but when I stopped myself the 1st thing I thought of was to call my grandma to pick my brothers & I up & go to her house, which was a 20 minute-1/2 hour drive. She did, but I never told my parents what we were leaving, & my grandma didn’t think about double checking with my parents that it was okay… I was eleven.
When my mom came & picked us up later we were 1/2 way down my grandma’s driveway when I was going to tell her why I called grandma. I felt like I needed to get out of the house, get away from the knives, bath tub, bring my brothers with me to get distracted since I was fighting with one of them right before I almost self harmed. My mom kept asking “Why did you call her?” “Why didn’t you tell us?” “How come you did that?” I was quiet, trying to figure out how to explain “Hey. I’m eleven years old & tried cutting my wrists.” I took a deep breath to start, but then my mom said “Your dad is dissapointed & angry at you. We looked & called all over for you guys. We don’t understand. You’re in big trouble.”
From then on I hid my anxiety & depression. Burried it deep down & bottled it up so I wouldn’t dissapoint anyone. I instantly would feel guilty & like I’m a terrible person when my anxiety & depression episodes would come up. I remember throughout middle school & highschool I would try to journal in notebooks. It ended up turing into filling notebooks from 10 PM-3 AM basically bullying myself… I still struggle a lot trying to open up & talked with loved ones about my emotions & past expereinces. I’m getting better at it, but these past 4 weeks it’s been especially harder than normal.
Starting weekly therapy appointments again. Also writing notes from my therapy appointments so I can have daily reminders to get through my work day. I’m still doubting myself that I can get back to where I was with keeping my anxiety & depression to a mininum. It’ll take time. Everytime I complete my wellness activities & talk to people about them I feel accomplished & happy about it. It makes me feel extra good when I can get motivation to complete goals I set for myself. I’m so lucky & grateful to have my husband & our dog. We all support each other & have a strong family bond. My husband would probably call me crazy if I said this out loud, but I consider our dog like our child. Lol! I just love our little fur family so much. I’ve been finding comfort if my work day is busy that I’m going to come home & get some quality time with them 🙂
