It's almost 8 a.m. and the sun has come up. It's 40 degrees out and there's still frost on all of the roofs and cars. The new bedspread was wonderful ~ kept the heat in and reflected the cold off. What a bargain that was! 🙂

Today is grocery shopping day….ugh. We won't go until a little later on,but the longer we wait to go the more people will be going too. I'm not one for crowds most of the time. I get a little panicky about it. Certain things I can do ~ like concerts and such, but just a lot of people in one place can make me go bananas.

LOL ~ my husband is running around in my bright pink and green frog print robe. Guess he doesn't care about the fashion statement he's making as long as he's warm. ;-p

Tomorrow I'm planning to go into town and pick up the rest of my Christmas present from my Mom ~ it's a 8 gigabyte chip to store pictures on ~ it was supposed to come with the camera as a bonus, and they ran out of them. Today they should be in, but that's the opposite direction for where we going shopping today. So tomorrow my son and I will have a little outting to go pick it up…maybe go to the petstore and look at fish (one of the ones in his fishtank died) and maybe he can get a fish or two. I'll bet he'll like that. I'm also going to get a rainbow shark for the family 30 gallon tank ~ it still looks so empty in there because we're trying to populate it slowly, a few fish at a time. Rainbow sharks aren't really sharks ~ they just look like one in the miniature but their body is jet black and their topfin and tailfin are bright orange. They're such pretty fish. I've got one in my 10 gallon aquarium in my bedroom.

Well, this is our first frost of the year. That generally means we aren't going to warm up a whole lot again until March.Winter is finally here for us in Florida. 🙂 I don't know why I like winter so much, it really is a pain to have layer clothes and such and cover all the plants so they don't get burned by the frost. But I love it anyway.

This morning I'm feeling pretty decent. I got a full night's sleep (YES!!!) and woke up not feeling groggy. My husband, on the other hand, just hightailed it back to bed. He didn't get home from work until midnight last night. He'll probably sleep until 10 a.m. (sigh). This means more people doing grocery shopping at the same time as us.

I find myself wondering if I'll go back to work or not. As much as I miss it I feel more in control of my emotions and especially anxiety when going to work is not part of the picture. It will all depend on Social Security. I'll probably go back to part-time (2 daysa week) in February, but I'm not betting on anything. My moods have been erratic and I've been pretty depressed lately. The past couple of days have been better and I'm hoping I'm leveling out for a long while. (I can wish, can't I?) As for the anxiety, that's worse than the depression has been. When I'm anxious every little thing I try to do is a monumental problem ~ I get kind of paranoid about it. And the closer I get to doing something (like going to work) the worse the anxiety gets. It's that way with any kind of appointment or work or even a party. I just kind of, well ~ freeze.

Does anyone else have this problem with their anxiety? That it can keep them from working? I find myself calling out way too often because I can't get rid of the panic that's creeping in. Right now I'm on "seasonal leave" because FMLA leave only allows 12 weeks of leave before you have to go back to work or lose your position. I'm not sure if I'm going to GO backto work, at least not fora long while. I want to be well enough to work almost full-time and bring insome reliable income, butas of right now I just can't. This is so confusingbecause earlier this week I was hoping to go back soon, probably the beginning of January. I don't understand my thoughts on this or mybehavior regarding working. People who don't deal with these typesof illnesses just believe that someone like me is just too lazy to workand is living off the government and their taxes. But they're wrong. I'd love to put one of those types of people in my shoesfor 2 weeks and see what they think then. Evenmy Mom is one of those people ~ disgusted with me for even trying for disability. Her thinking says "just suck it up anddeal with it" and that I'm going to be "one of those people who abuse the system". Thanks Mom ~ I always knew I'd make you proud regardless of what I've accomplished in my life. As I've said before, nothing I do will ever be enough. MyDad is the same way. I shouldcut them both a little slack but they've alwaysbeen so hard on me about being the best all of the time, doing the bestagainst my classmates andfellow musicians. That has never been me and Idid it anyway for most of my life until I was 25, just to pleasethem so that Iwould get the love I feltI needed from them. I know a lot of people have worse stories about their childhood and early 20's, but for right now all I can feel is mad at the situation. If and when I getdisability we're going to move out and either rent or buy a house. I don't know how longthat will take, but even if it'syears that's still the plan. There are just times when you reach your limit on being able to smile while someone continues to stab youwith the knife of their words and beliefs.

If I sound bitter I'm sorry, but I am. I'm 32 years old with a husband and child and we're living with my Mom. To me that's not what it's supposed to be. In the life I had planned out for myself was such that we'd own our home, both work and Zachary would go to school. I'd still be performing with the local symphonies here and getting students and gigs. My dream was to turn that into a full-time career itself between a studio of students and performing. Instead I'm this, this really screwed up person who's too flaky to hold it together for any real amount of time, the person who has been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists ever sinceshe was in college. I am the person that has to take at least 5 pills a day to keep me somewhat "balanced" so that I don't fling myself off the edge of a cliff or become a cowering little piece of goo shaking in a corner somewhere out of terror at the "real" world. I am the "should-have-been" , the loser to put it blankly. How do I let go of all those unrealistic expectations when I'm still living with someone who expects me to come out of this illness and into complete remission of my symptoms? She just doesn't get that this is not like most diseases…you don't get 2 weeks of pills to cure you and then all of a sudden you're all better. I do hope for better times in the future, but right now I'm just focusing on getting through each day in one piece. Can't I get some support from her for at least trying to deal with it?

I don't know what to do anymore to try to win her approval. Maybe the point is that I have to learn that I don't need it. I can be who I really am without needing her to validate me. It would be a whole hell of a lot easier living elsewhere.

  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

     I agree with all the points you make. Mother/daughter relationships can be quite a "dance"

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  2. Aswa 10 years ago

    Keya ~ how I have missed your courage and honesty in my time off from DT.  How I have missed YOU 🙂

    I feel I know exactly what you are talking about in your blog and understand the daily struggle of trying to cope, to perform "as expected" admidst what is ultimately an unmanagable set of circumstances.

    I'm educated, possess an inquiring mind and was (I believe and have been told) very good at my job BUT my illness took an increasing toll on my attendance in my mid thirties and after switching to part-time with littIe improvement (due to my escalating anxiety, mania, self-harm and depression cycle),  finally accepted that I was unable to fulfill the duties of my profession as well as deal with my issues. 

    Each of us has our own unique plight; some people try to support us and some people think we should just get over it. Obviously it is best to be surrounded by supportive, caring and sympathetic individuals but….

    We can't change what is outside of us, however much it may want re-arranging . All we can do is what is best for us (and thereby our loved ones). Seems to me that you are right on  track.  One day at a time.

    Peace, Aswa


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