Can\’t sleep. I have nothing to talk about so this blog probably won\’t get any views. Now your already bored and your thinking you\’ll stay because you feel sorry for us other depressed people. Anyway, when is this going to get started? I think people should be posting things like this on facebook too. You should be allowed to talk about negative emotions too. It\’s always funny stuff. We\’re comedy obsessed. I can\’t really entertain. I\’m pulling my face apart trying to think of something to say. It\’s half five in the morning. I Havnt got many people to buy for, for Christmas but still won\’t be able to sort the presents this year. No money for food till Two weeks. Don\’t know what I\’m going to do about that. I have hardly any facebook friends and I think I\’m too …something, to befriend right now. I don\’t know what that \”something\” means right now but its somewhere along the lines of stupid and desperate and I don\’t know but its also more my situation that I\’m left with where I\’m in this family situation tradgedy that no ones gonna believe and basically I\’m left on my own. I can\’t motivate myself to do anything, I\’m scared, and I dived in the deep end in some ways with my decisions. Maybe this is what it feels like to drown?
I want to go back I time so bad. I want to be a child again since I\’m probably mentally that age anyway. Then sometimes I get a chance to do something but I have to admit I can\’t be bothered to do it. I don\’t know what that\’s classed as in terms of mental health… Chronic something or other. It annoys me though when I have a chance to do something other than sleep and i miss it.
I want to speak out about mental health and autism which I have. But do I actually want to do it? I don\’t know if I really want to do anything I want to do. I don\’t even know if I really want to sleep. Every part of me is lost since my mam was killed and I want to get justice and find out what happened. Every part of me.
Can you talk about the family tragedy?
I don’t know if “wanting” to do something is ever really that clear. As far as I understand the drive to action stems from, in it’s most basic form: External reward, internal reward and obligation, or an amalgamation of the three. When I am uncertain about wanting or excepting or being obligated to one of those three rewards, my drive, ability to clearly want, goes haywire. Maybe it is a very cynical view that we only do things because we get something out of it, but following that route of thought the question is what is it that you don’t get or want to get out of doing something?
I don’t think I am helping you, but thank you for making me think.
***hugs***
My heart goes out to you. i really hope you can find some justice for your mom’s death.
You’re not alone, here, so anything you wish to write or not write, should be perfectly fine.