I lost my credit card some time in August. I told my Dad but he didn’t seem concerned because it’s probably somewhere in the house stuck down in a crack or something. But then in October I just told him, "Look…you’re going to have to replace it, it’s gone." He didn’t send me a replacement form until October 29th and it didn’t get here until around November 1st so I’ve had it 9 days.

I was supposed to go home a week ago but was unable to make it. I never took the steps to mail it though, it just didn’t seem like too big of a deal. But then a few days ago, Dad called to ask if I had mailed it yet. I told him that I thought I’d just bring it home with me instead and he got mad at me. When I asked if he wanted me to mail it out anyways even though I’m coming home in a week, he said, "What the f*ck does it matter now!" and slammed the phone down on me.

I was determined to ignore him after that but had to give up on it when I ran out of cash for food. Yet again, I had to sit and listen to him yell at me about how he apparently told me to send it well over a week ago…which he didn’t…because the initial plan was for me to bring it home with me…and I’ve only had it 9 days…so I’ve essentially only held onto it for no more than a week…and there is no deadline for it…and the card is, like I said before, most likely stuck somewhere in my room because I almost never used it seeing as how, you know, it’s not actually my cash and I’m not allowed to… I’m still not sure that he didn’t lose it himself because the last time I can remember using it was to buy my Mom some movies online. I think I left it downstairs on my Dad’s desk…and that’s the last time I can remember having it. But he’d never admit to losing it if he did.

Not only is he mad over the credit card application but he’s apparently been running me down behind my back for several other things. Firstly, he’s mad that I haven’t had my car checked yet. I know that I’ve been putting it off but I’m not going home for over a week still. It’s just another thing for him to complain about so now I’m going to go tomorrow whether I’m tired and upset or not. Just watch — the next thing that will happen is there will be something wrong and they won’t accept my Dad’s credit card numbers on their own and then he’ll yell at me some more.

Secondly, he’s pissed off that I’m only taking two classes. He’s apparently been running me down with my Mom a lot, telling her that "it costs $40,000 a year to go to school there and she’s only taking two classes, how ridiculous!" Just hearing about that infuriates me. I was taking three (which is 12 credits here) but I quit programming for the second and final time. I’ve been trying to make it work for over a year now so I’ve given it time, I just can’t do it anymore so I changed majors. I asked him if he thought withdrawing would be okay and he said yes…now he’s pissed about it even though I had a good reason and I’m scheduled in for 14 credits next quarter and would have more if I could have gotten into the online course that I wanted.

Not only is it unfair to whine about something that he initially approved of but it’s irritating that last year he forced me to return to school after I very clearly stated that I didn’t have enough credits and needed a break to reasses my goals. He didn’t care. He made me come back anyways…despite only being able to take one class.

I feel so upset right now that I don’t even want to eat. I listened to him be nasty with me just long enough that I don’t feel like bothering. He even complained about the cost of the food even though I think I’ve just been eating too much because I’m stressed out. So I think I’m just going to nibble on cheap stuff for about ten days and then take my sorry self home for more abuse.

I wish that I could just not exist. I feel so lonely and now, thanks to my Dad, I feel like a total screwup, too. Now I have to go home to him mouthing off to me and putting me down…and my Gram dying of cancer…ugh…I don’t even want to know what’s gonna come next. I’m just going to clean up my room, get a small snack, and go to bed. I can’t even bring myself to do anything fun. I have almost no motivation left in me and the people who have the most control and influence in my life don’t understand or care.


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