Well I had a really bad night last night. After a HUGE fight (again) with my bf of 15yrs I sat alone and cried till i was almost sick. I sat rocking myself back and forth. Knife in hand thinking, this is it, tonight i stop the pain im feeling, but as usual i picked the blunt knife. Was it stupidity or an angel stopping me from making a mistake? who knows?

My relationship with my bf is rocky to say the least. It might be 15yrs together but the last 8yrs have been getting worse and worse. the past 3 yrs have been hell!!!

Only i could love a man who clearly doesnt feel the same way about me. Who turns his back on me when im in tears, Who turned his back on me when i cut myself.Who ignored my pleads for help when i felt the effects of taking drugs.

why am i still with him? How can i love him still? If i knew the answer to that would i even be here on this site?

We do not share a bed. Well on occasion.. it seems once every 5 months is the norm or has been these last 3 yrs.

No sex. No hugs. No kisses. No contact.

I know I do not need these things to survive but…. I NEED THEM! i thought they were part of normal couple relations? Am I selfish for wanting to be loved back???

The lonliness is killing me!!!! I just dont wanna feel my heart break any more! i cant take it! I lay awake for hours and plead with god to make it stop!

Im not a bad person… I dont think i deserve this hurt and pain.

i just want to be loved.

I dont know what to do…..

But i do know im loosing my sanity… and my will to live.