theres always this part of me, thats always sad and empty. sometimes it just sits there in the back of my head and in moments i can complete forget about it and live my life and be happy. but other times it brings me down, so low, and i completely break down into tears on the bathroom floor, silent tears so nobody will hear. i dont want them to hear, i dont want anyones simpathy or them worrying about me, cuz really, that just makes me feel worst. i care about everyone else before myself so if me hidding everything and being alone then i will do that. i hate being the cause of someones sadness. i know how it feels to feel comepletely helpless when a friend is in tears, not knowing what to do, or say, or how i can make everything better. i couldnt do that to someone else. so i pretend im okay everyday, and hey i guess im a pretty good actress cuz nobody seems to notice. untill someone does, and asks me whats wrong, weither they actually care or are just curious, that breaks me completely. cuz then i cant hide it anymore, its all out, and i cant find the words to say so i just sit there in tears. its so hard to explain whats wrong with truthfully its everything. it all just builds up slowly over time then suddenly with no warning.. its just hits. a wave of deep depression and theres nothing i can to do stop it! i want to cut, i really do. but theres just something, i dont know what, that wont let me do it. maybe im scared of what will happen, im scared of alot of not a christan or anything and honestly dont really beilieve in god all that much but maybe, just maybe he is real? and its him that stops me? or my family says sometimes my moms grandfather comes to them and helps them, weither its fixing a broken toy, or releieving the pain of back surgery. ive never benn open to the idea of gosts. well maybe i am. i dont know. but what if its him that stops me from doing it. is it posible? burning is pretty much the same as cutting. ive done that a few times. and still i can barely get myself to do it unless my depression hits extremely bad. my body completely shaking, tears down my face. i use my hair straightener and a meatle bobbie pin, when it gets hot i press it against my skin. strangely enough, the pain stops for a slight moment. i feel numb. i hate this feeling of completely numbness, i cant feel anything and its like its not even real? how does a person let themselfs get to this point? i dont understand. how anyone deserves to feel like this. i feel like such a hypocrate when i tell people to "stay strong" because i cant even do it myself. i try i really do but at the end of the day in lay in bed crying over everything and im competeply broken, and weak. i have a hard time opening up to anyone, because nobody really cares. or so it feels. i have really bad trust issues for many reasons and it effects everything, from dating, to having bestfriends, to even my own family. my friends have problems of their own, they dont need my problems on top of that. i cant really trust any one because ill just get hurt again, and if someone i think i can trust leaves me, ill be totally broken beond a fixable point. they say they love me, but they dont even know me? would they still love me if they knew this side of me? or would they leave like the rest? i need someone to be here for me, but how will i ever find that person if i hide the real me behind the fear of them leaving again?


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