I am panicing again. My BFF, Bourbon, is doing his level best to keep me on track, but I worry he may not have my best interest at heart. I suspect him of alterier motives. Enough of that for now though. Its helping for now.

 

I\'m new to this website, I asked google about Christmas Anxiety and she pointed me this way (google is a she, obviously). So I did the thing with the typing and signing up and now with the blogging. Because I am losing it. I am losing my tenuous-at-best grasp on calm over a 20$ gift exchange.

 

My sister unwittingly sprung this insidious trap on me earlier this evening. I can\'t blame her, she\'s normal. She\'s successful, happily married with a good job and an awesome dog. She can afford $20 on 24 hours notice. I can\'t. It\'s not in the budget, and the budget is absolute. There is no deficit spending in my little wing of capitalism. I budgetted for essential immediate family gifts and fuel to reach two family gatherings. That exhausted my meager christmas bonus, leaving me good and tapped going into the new year.

 

Now, I\'m panicing over Christmas at Grandma\'s. Can I show up without a gift? What kind of person shows up without a gift? An Ungreatful, anti-social, shiftless layabout, thats who! So my brain is doing this trick it does whenever I get nervious about a social gathering (you know, all of them). Its like a slot machine, only instead of cherries and bananas, it is excuses. Reasons for whichy I may be unable to attend. If my brain manages to put together a reasonably believable story, then I will tell the lie and spend my day in bed praying to whatever might listen that no one calls my bluff.

 

This is no way for a grown man to act, but when it gets like this, I feel like I have no control, like I\'m off the rails and Newton\'s laws are going to make sure I don\'t get back on the rails without a lot of time, effort, and damage control.

 

So now I\'v writen a blog and bitched about my first world problems. I have to wonder if anyone will even read it. If you do, please let me know. I don\'t need a lengthy response or anything, just… I don\'t know, leave a comment (can you leave comments?) telling me your favorite marine mammal.

 

I\'m a blue whale man, myself. them fuckers are huge!

2 Comments
  1. Mo 8 years ago

    I consider myself a dolphin; friendly, harmless, a victim to possible deadly preditors, and constantly swimming in herds next to boats just for the company.

    On your blog; X mas can be a HUGE trigger for me- i mean huge. I once had no $ so i went to the dollar store and got one item for a gift. who would know it was from the dollar store and who cares anyway….one year I baked cookies from my food stamps. one year i regifted something- i cant remember what. Neither here nor there.

    I have missed MANY social gatherings due to my anxiety. I have a very understanding partner; we take separate cars incase I cant deal anymore and I leave. Three are times in the past when I just havent gone…it was just plain too much.

    If you decide not to go; try to do something nice for yourself; rent movies and eat junk food? do something so you don\'t have to lay in bed with the covers over your head.

    If you decide not to go; be at peace with yourself that you have made the best decision in your own best interest.

    Social situations; whether family i have known or worse strangers causes ALOT of paralzing anxiety for me. Xmas and all the _____ just seems to magnify it.

    I wish you the best with your situation with whatever decision you make. We have to take care of ourselves.
    Hope i don\'t sound too bossy.

    Mo

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  2. triggered 8 years ago

    Clown fish… without a doubt.

    Can you recycle something as a gift? Any boxes of cookie mix in the cupboard? Baked goods trump everything even if it is from a box. 🙂 snip a little Holly branch to put on top to make it \”seasonal\”. I would totally wrap up something from the house! Lol… Grandma isn\'t going to give a crap if the gift sucks. Your being there is the real gift.

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