I was scrolling through Facebook while avoiding chores and I saw a post listing the attributes of Ego Love vs. Actual Love.  I fluctuate between the two honestly.  I began to google search things that I thought pertained to me specifically because I do recognise my bad behaviors.  I am aware enough to know that I do toxic things over and over and over.  Mostly to my own detriment.  I am very careful in trying not to harm others.

One article in particular resonated with me.  It was about people who create fantasy bonds with others.  They idealize and then make excuses for thier loved ones in order to avoid the disappointment that is inevitable.  This is definitely me but I take things even further.  I create elaborate fantasy scenarios in my mind and when they don’t occur I feel utterly cheated and defeated.  I fall in love with a concept rather than reality and the more reality infringes the more certain I am that the other person dislikes me.  Because they aren’t acting out the part that I projected onto them.  It sounds about as crazy as I feel.

This guy Matt that I am currently interested in has amazingly hung on so far.  He probably doesnt understand the extent to which I am dysfunctional though I did tell him about my recent suicidal thoughts.  Not so much as to make him pity me but as to give him an easy way out.  I sat down and I wrote a list of what I actually know about him and it is surprisingly short.  I have very intense feelings toward him but I dont know jack shit about who he is, his values, and where he has been in life.

Along with that short list, I wrote a list of why things seem so difficult (on my part) with him.  He is incredibly busy and we only talk briefly late at night.  Some nights I only get a couple of lines of text.  Its not unacceptable because we have only been talking about a week and a half (you’re getting the idea of how crazy I am now, arent you?) and I do not logically think that falls into the realm of it being an attempt to avoid me.  Due to my anxiety though it gives me the gut feeling that he dislikes me becauae in my fantasy mind he should be attentive and available if he is actually interested.

The only resolution I can think of is to try and slow down (impossible!) and control my feelings (inconceivable!) while getting to know him better so I can make a logical decision on whether or not we are actually compatible.  I fucking hate reality.

I wrote out about twenty or so questions, having scratched out any that my anxiety threw in – its about him, not me – and I am going to try to redirect our dialogue into something enjoyable and revealing.  I want to love and be loved but I want it to be right.  I want it to be fair.  I want it to last.

I want to be better.

Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks and be safe.  It’s cold out there.

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