I was thinking about the song by Johnny Cash (not that I like country music), "I Hurt Myself Today to See if I Can Still Feel". That's kind of how I feel. I keep taking sharp objects and dragging them across my arm. All I feel when I do it is a weird sense of relief that I know a lot of you understand. Everything's such a mess–school and my family. My family makes me feel horrible about myself because they constantly go out of their way to be mean to me and to remind me that I'm a failure because I don't have a job, even though I'm in school (community college) 5 days a week. I don't work because of the depression and not working makes me more depressed, if that makes sense. My brother has worked the same job for 30 years or more and he's been miserable all this time. My sister is a nurse and she has worked harder than most men all her life. I'm just not cut out like either one of them and they think that it's an awful thing. Their self-worth is so wrapped up in their jobs and the money they make. They don't understand how hard it's been for me to hold down a job. I have tried, but it makes no difference. My sister-in-law nags me constantly about money. I live with and take care of my elderly mother whose health is not good and she pays the very few bills that I have. She pays for the groceries (with Food Stamps), but I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and I manage her doctor's appointment and medications (she's on about 12 not counting her breathing machine meds). She doesn't have to do much of anything because she can't. Anyhow, I don't drive (lost my car in a bad accident in 2008 and haven't been able to get another one) and my sister-in-law takes me to the store to get groceries. She follows me around like a child and scrutinizes everything I get. She asks me with each item I put in the shopping cart if I really need that or if it's for me or for my mom. And it drives me crazy! It makes me so nervous and it hurts my feelings because she doesn't seem to believe that I do anything for my mom. I'm the one that's there with her all the time and I'm the one who does everything around the house for her. My brother and his wife only provide transportation and control (instead of manage) her money. My sister tries to control from a distance and threatens every so often to come and take Mom to live with her 300 miles away. She knows that I couldn't stand to lose my mom and she also knows that her husband hates me and would never let me come stay with them. I feel scr*wed every way I turn. My sister-in-law refused to come bring me a key for 2 hours the other day while I was locked out of my house. While I sat in 90 degree heat (in the shade), she lollygagged at Wal-Greens and Burger King and didn't bring me anything to eat (I hadn't eaten lunch either and I'm diabetic). By the time she finally got there, I was furious. But I didn't say a word because I'm too chicken to say anything to my family. I keep letting them hurt me and that's my fault and I feel horrible about it. All this frustration and anger and pain I've been feeling lately is what has led up to me scratching my arm. It doesn't look that bad though. If you are still reading this, thank you for reading this far. I'll hush now.


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