The new mattress has arrived.  It is sitting against the wall in the hallway.  I painstakingly sprayed some store-bought bedbug killer in the contaminated room yesterday evening, trying sooo hard to really spray within the cracks of the plank flooring, but I think that after a while, the nozzle on the spray can started to clog up.  Frank thinks I am very paranoid.

Been very very blue lately.  Has it been brought on by the bedbug invasion and feelings of displacement? Stress at work? Not sure.

Frank opened a huge can of worms the other night, probably for the better I suppose.  At least it was the honest truth.  All laid out on the table now.  We are both quite sexually frustrated for starters.  He basically pointed out that I'm antisocial, how I never want to do anything or be a part of his life, etc etc, how I flinch when he touches me, how I refuse to exercise and refuse to improve myself/my life.

All of this is pretty true.  He put all the pieces together.  However, it was pretty unfair when he said "You're just like Martha (his stepmom) and my mom.  You complain & complain and you just continue the behaviors that contribute to your alleged difficulties"… I suppose that is exaggeratedly true… I guess.

He also went into how our parents drove us to each other at a very early, vulnerable age.  And he kind of apologized because he was the one who pursued me and wanted me all for himself, and maybe I would've been better off without him, and how I never really took the time in my life for my own personal growth and development.  And all this contributes to why I'm "prude" and so insecure about my appearance.

This is all essentially correct.

And of course we've been having daily petty quarrels, bickering a lot, etc.  A lot of it has to do with the bedbug situation…. losing a $600 mattress & box spring that we had for not even 2 years.  Money is always a problem.

Every day this week, I have a splitting headache by the end of every day at work.  Maybe it's work stress.  I also completely realize that I'm not eating very well lately.  I usually eat lunch kind of late.  Yesterday, I didn't eat until like 5:30.  Maybe my headaches are from the exterminator's chemicals in our house, and not really getting a good-night's sleep, even when I go to bed early (by 11pm).  I still wake up feeling exhausted.  Frank claims that I drink too much coffee "just like Martha, and I complain about getting headaches and all I do is drink more coffee".. I guess he's right– I always need coffee in the morning.  Sometimes I'll drink a little more throughout the day, it depends.  That's what triggered our whole long argument the other night.  I was in a horrible mood, and I was really blaming all my physiological problems on my job… it's too stressful, yet I need it as practice for dealing w/ people and to gain professional experience.  I jealously pointed out that we can't all have the luxury of being self-employed and having a great creative job that we love like Frank can.  Not to mention, there's no way we could afford to live if I didn't have this job.  And then he replied that I should just move in w/ my parents to save money and quit my job, and just start a business w/ Kelly.  But if I quit my job, I can't get unemployment, so how could I bank any money? At the moment I am beyond broke.  And if I moved out, how could Frank find someone who'd want to pay $750 a month to live with him in a railroad apartment? It's an insane proposition.

I am confused because I really don't know what my next step is.  When I feel this way periodically, I just don't do anything… I just continue with business as usual.  And my big underlying problems just continue to fester and mutate and become more and more complex.  I have trouble deciphering what is in my control to change and what isn't, and if it's even worth it to take action, and what will benefit me long term and short term, etc etc.  I feel that I am incapable of helping myself.  I really do depend on Frank for a lot of things, but yet he probably is the culprit of a lot of my problems and the state of my self-image.

What I should do is just start saving money, for whatever reason.  For myself.  Try to save at least $50 a week, every week.  So I can leave here as soon as possible.  So I can quantify and simplify my life instead of feeling so scattered.  Maybe I'll make it my goal to kind of stay in Brooklyn for the summer and enjoy it as much as possible.  And see how much money I can save over the next few months.  And I'll try to have the mentality that my time here is only temporary and I should just enjoy it because fuck this place, really.  I had really high hopes for this apartment when we got it last year and lo & behold, once again we're living in filth.  I don't feel completely settled or permanent here, and maybe it's because deep down, I don't really want to.  Because I know that I'm not being true to myself.  Another big part of the problem is that Brooklyn is really too close to my parents… so close that they get offended if they don't see me for a while, yet far enough that it's kind of a pain in the ass for me to go back  forth between NY & NJ.  I don't like the constant push-pull force of it, it drives me crazy.

So then it's settled.  I really can't continue like this.  I have no fucking clue where I want to go, but I must save a bit of money for ME.  The funny part is that Frank is completely tied down to his business, but I have the FREEDOM to leave.  And I will, one day.

1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 11 years ago

    Good luck and know someone out there understands you and is rooting for you!

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