hey all,first of all seasons greetings and a merry christmas to all,
ok its 4.27 am here in englandand ive just cleaned my whole house,its been driving me crazy as my family of 4 are so messy.cleaning isnt really part of my ocd,or is it???,erm i dont really know.it used to be,i used to see dirt and dust everywhere,and think theyd take my child away(that was mainly when i was a young single mum)if i didnt clean so much,then it sort of went,or perhaps another obsession has replaced it,i have ure o ,obsessional intrusive thoughts,and in a way in cancelled out my cleaning,and consumed my whole life in a different way,has this hapened to anyone?,replacing 1 obseesion with another?.
well anyway i dont really massively talk about my dark thoughts with anyone,i see a phscothraist once a week for cbt ,and i think she helps alot,althogh if im vaugueabout my thoughts on here its because there so consuming and disturbing.i also count in numbers when i have a bad thought believing it will protect me from harm,does anyone else count to help there pure o?
sometimes i have moments of rationality where i can see my thoughts are just my pure o,but then most the time i cant see it,and they take over me,and make me very ill,and afraid,sometimes my mind is so tired of constantly fighting the pure o,and ruminating
sometimes i feel sleep is the only relief i get.as my mind is quiet,also if i have had bad or paraniod thoughts imy mind tells me if i carry out certain things then all will be ok,and if i dont do it my family will be taken away,sometimes i do things in 3's to sto this from hapening for exampple taing the phone 3 times when it rings,taping my taps b4 i our a drink,juming up in the air 3 times lol,etc etc,sometimes i think if i oke myself in the eye 3 times then nothing bad will hapen,also lately if i punch myself in the stomach 3 times ill be ok,and i do it over and over in sells of 3 till it hurts..ouch lol,once i thought if i ducked my head under the bath till i couldnt breath it would stop bad thing from hapening,till my partner came in and asked what i was doing!!!
people think im lazy as i sleep in the day only when my son has his nap but i do it so i can be more on the ball,i get so tired.my fiances side of the family dont understand,and ive explained what i feel comfortable with,and they still think im lazy and useless,and make comments which can really hurt
sometimes i havnt the confidence to go anywhere,and they remark about how little ileave the house. i feel bad my kids dont go all the places they should coz of me,but i always make myself go to plays at school,and fetes etc even if i panic and feel sickfor the whole day before i go,even then people remark how i should get a medal for leaving the house,but to me it is a massive triumph
anyways rant over ,hehe you all have your own roblems id just apreciate any feedback you may have or any shared exepriences ,thanks again …