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THIS WAS WRITTEN A YEAR AGO

Hey everyone reading this, this is my story of ocd and I think this section is great.

So about 1 year and 6 months ago, I was 13 and in 8th grade. I’m sitting in science class when somehow the word “closet” is said, and some girl goes to me “you in the closet Andrew (my name) aren’t you”, of course she was just being a bitch and teasing me, but this really hurt me for some reason. I mean I had been called gay hundreds of times before but this time it really got to me. I was very upset and the first thought I had was “does my class think I’m gay cause I was upset by this”, boom that started it all

For the rest of the day I couldn’t get it out of my mind, hard as I tried. I don’t think I slept that much kept thinking “am I gay”, by the next day I felt uncomfortable making eye contact with guys and I had started constantly looking at the kids seated around me in class, I felt like they were looking at me or thinking i’m gay. Soon I started having a urge to touch people’s hands at first it was just guys hands but then it became anybody’s hand and from just a hand it became anything (privates.. don’t want to be to explicit). This progressed so fast within a couple weeks, I started feeling tingling feeling in my groin and I kept thinking “am I being aroused by guys”. I soon developed rape thoughts and my h-ocd started to focus on one person at a time, until something or someone shifted my h-ocd attention to something else. Who ever it was focused on, I was constantly tense around that person having rape thoughts and the h-ocd thoughts uncontrollably. I tried to cure myself by giving myself reassurance by thinking of girls but whenever I tried I would always get the thought of a guy which only worsened the ocd

At this point i had no clue what was going on, as many people say. I thought I was in denial about being gay. It got so bad that I would even get the thoughts about my family members; I mean I couldn’t watch movies without having the thoughts. I would watch a movie and see a male character and I would get a tingly feeling and then I would dwell on it for the next few days. I started checking whether I was more attracted to guys or girls, and if there was a hot girl I wasn’t attracted to I worried it was because I was gay. Of course it didn’t help that at this time the gay marriages were going on in New Paltz and it was all over the media.

So being a computer nerd, I started using the net to research what the hell could be wrong with me, I had known of ocd but never known of this type eventually it took complete control of me and I had new obsessions every day. I mean I started getting compulsions to touch people’s hands that were all the way across from me, felt like everyone could see right threw me

All this made me very depressed, on occasions I just fell to the ground and cried my heart out. At this point kids had started saying to me in class “what the hell r u looking at” and whenever someone called me gay just to be annoying I thought it meant that they really thought I was gay.

After the summer when I was entering 9th grade I had enough. I knew I needed help. I told my mom I needed to see a therapist. She made the appointment. Weeks later I had it and I poured out everything that had bottled up over the past 7 or 8 months. The therapist told me that the symptoms I was describing sounded like ocd. Now I knew what was wrong, In October I finally had to tell my mom about the nature of the obsession (or else they wouldn’t put me on meds), after telling her every little detail she was reluctant but gave the ok and I started on 20 mg prozac and over the months it didn’t do much. Each month the dosage was raised 20 mg until now I’m on 80 the max dosage. Through the current year the obsession had very slowly diminished flaring up very often, and I still get most of these symptoms, though some are gone. At the moment I will be entering the 10th grade in September.

2 Comments
  1. Mono1115 14 years ago

    I can 100% relate to this…only my “gay spike” started whe I was 25. Hope things are better for you now.

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  2. freakofnature 13 years ago

    I also got this when I was 17. I thought I had to confess everything, so I told my Mom about it. She told me that everyone has these thoughts. I believed that and it relieved me some, but she didn't know about ocd and I grew up thinking I was really just crazy and weird. I never talked about it again. Until I developed an eating disorder, I didn't even entertain the idea that I had ocd, but after that, it finally sank in.  I'm glad you know this now.  It keeps you from feeling like a complete freak.  Good for you.

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