Hi all, I’m new here. This is going to be a LONG post. Sorry.

I joined this group in hopes to connect with others on OCD/anxiety/C-PTSD
My personal experience with OCD has mainly been relationship OCD. Obsessing about being abandoned by my boyfriend and not feeling good enough. Obsessing about my best friend’s bad decisions and ineffective parenting style with her very unkind kids (yes i know this is my opinion, not a fact) but i find myself ruminating on these things, how uncomfortable I am around my friend and her kids.. having to hear her unhinged dating stories, all the men she is using and lying to for her own benefit laughing about it all, acting entitled to act these ways… her son hurting my son almost every time we are around them because he is the definition of a bully, her daughter spitting and slapping my friend in the face refusing to listen to any and everything she asks her to do and not to do.. I cant stand it. So when we are around them I am already in hyper awareness mode waiting for her kids to behave these ways… I have distanced myself from them and i feel SO guilty about it because i dont want her to feel judged or abandoned but at the same time I am crawling out of my skin when i am around them. I feel like an awful friend.

I have good weeks and bad weeks. I am currently in a bad one.
My compulsions come out in wanting to run away. Cut people off. Shut down. Hide. Feelings of wanting to self sabotage my relationship just so I dont have to sit in this state of fear that he is going to leave me or i’m going to be proven right that im not good enough… even though my boyfriend is the kindest, most thoughtful, most patient, non critical, empathetic human I have ever met who I just want to spend my life with, in peace. And when i start to feel these ways I almost get angry with him.. I dont know if it is a defense mechanism to protect myself? But it makes me feel hopeless and like i just need to end things with him because he deserves better and im always going to struggle with not feeling worthy? It is not always that way though… I have great weeks where I am full of gratitude and feel safe and at peace with him.
And my other compulsion is to cut my friend off even though our children are related (we are ex in-laws) and she has always stuck by my side through so many hard times and is there for me at the drop of a hat. I feel i owe her more. I feel so much shame for feeling these ways. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel pathetic. I feel crazy. I feel unworthy.

It comes out in other ways as well, with my own children, especially when I am overstimulated. I get so overwhelmed when we are in group settings. Watching them like hawks to make sure they are being respectful of others and well behaved, to the point that it is ALL I focus on and i cant relax or enjoy myself. My children are AMAZING. So kind and well behaved 90% of the time. I am SO blessed and tell them how much I love them all the time, which makes me feel that much more shame and guilt for struggling like i do. Why cant I just let them BE and let MYSELF be. It is so exhausting. I get in these moods where I dont want to be touched by them so I excuse myself into my room and hide… and the guilt eats me alive. They deserve a better mother.

I shut down and feel crazy and then self loath… spiraling into my ruminating thoughts. Sometimes I am able to catch myself, distract myself, try to push through and tell myself “Its ok Jamie, this is only temporary it will pass. It will come back but you can handle it, you can do hard things, you will be ok.”
I have suffered with anxiety since a child and panic attacks since i turned 18. I had some traumatic things happen to me in childhood. I went through many abusive relationships (one of them i was married to for 7 years) and now i have finally met my angel sent from god and I am TERRIFIED to lose him because I cant accept his love. I am terrified my children will grow to resent me for some of my ocd behaviors.

This is me today. Thank you for reading.