It has been almost a year since I have been on here. Life gets in the way of things I guess. I had pretty much forgotten about this site until the other day.

A way over due update from my previous blog. All the test came back ok. No cancer. They never did figure out what causes it. Shit happens I guess.

I stopped going to the shrink in May. It didn\'t seem to be doing any good. I also took myself off the meds for the anxiety and panic attacks.

In July my husband lost his job, so no more insurance. I had to go to the low income clinic in town because of it. Thankfully the doctor there is rather nice and very paitent. I am kind of disappointed that I am no longer able to see herbecause of hubby\'s "new" job.

I had also been to the cardiologist. He did a stress test and ultrasound, those were good. Two weeks ago he did a ct. It was good also. So from what he say\'s my heart is good. He isn\'t sure about the palpitations though. They may just be the anxiety. If they get bad again I may be put on a beta blocker. The more I have thought about it them. The more it seem that they were worse when I was taking head meds. I should tell him that the next time I go in to see him. I also need to tell the pcp.

Aside from having a fairly good span of time, this month has been hell. I have ended up in the ER several times beause of chest pain and vomiting. Its not the anxiety causing it though. But the anxiety flares up when the pain doesn\'t ease. (The same chest pain I have told ever fridgin doc I have been to about. They all want to tell me its the anxiety, you\'re crazy, go home)

I saw a new pcp today. I\'m hoping things go well with her. She isn\'t too sure of what could be causing it. But she is doing test on my thyroid levels and also test of lupus and celiac disease. Depending on those results she may want to do more testing or send me to a rhuematologist(sp?)/pain management. There is also a possiblity that I may have fibromyalgia beause of the pain.

New doc gave me a month\'s worth of cymbalta to try. She also wants me to take the ativan that doesn\'t do any good. And to take mobius.

So here is where the new anxiety kicks in…starting new meds. I hate taking meds. I always have ever since I was little. Now as an adult I tend to read and to research on every and anything. The mobius I am not too worried about. Its the cymbalta that is scaring the hell out of me. It can cause everything to worsen. The palpitations, anxiety, depression, panic, suicidal thoughs, etc…I know that I won\'t know until I try it. But I really don\'t want to try it beause of what could happen.

My biggest fear is that my heart will give out. The palpitations just feed it and if they get worse I don\'t think I could handle it. And I don\'t want to endup taking a bunch of other meds to help with side effects beause of one med.I also am scared of allergic reations. In a short span I found out I was allergic to 4 diffrent meds. Two of which sends me into anaphylactic shock. I am also sensitive to most head meds. Most of them either cause me to be a zombie at low doses. Some cause the anxiety and panic to worsen.

The nurse or pa (i\'m not sure of which she was, not the nurse that did my vitals, this woman came in with the doc) said that it may make things worse before it gets any better but to keep taking it….I am sitting there going ok. (She also had the "zombie" look to her, especailly her eyes. They were so void looking) My brain was not functioning at that point. And I didn\'t think about it until later on….Why would I keep taking something if it is making things worse. Holy crap lady. I have enough problems and am doing damned good not to pull the trigger as it is.

So I am at the point of ok. Do I try the meds and possibly deal with having an allergic reaction or worse anxiety, depression, panic and suicidal though and palpitations. Or do I call them and tell them I can\'t do it because I am too scared to take it. (real great impression after my first visit.)

I am so tired of feeling like I am either talking to a door and banging my head against a wall. Frankly I am ready to give up.